What I am doing is wrong, and I am aware.
But being aware does not make things right.
It does not make things easier to fix, to change.
I like to test the limits of the types of guys I can court, let’s just say.
I like to see whose attention I can grab.
I like to see whose interest I can entice.
I want the feeling of being wanted, to be desired.
I want to feel something.
I want a spark.
I want a relationship, but I know that I am in no state to be in a healthy relationship. Not with my current mentality.
I want something sustainable, yet I’m forever on a chase, always going after the faster car.
Until there is no race.
Until I am in the first place, no one ahead of me.
Then it’s a game of being chase.
A new player enters, and I’m on the chase again.
A never ending cycle.
Truthfully, I don’t really know what I am looking for.
How do you know what you’re looking for?
Do you first have to figure out who you are?
Do you first have to understand yourself?
Do you first have to know who you are?
Or do you just know when you come across this person.
I don’t really know what I’m supposed to feel.
I wouldn’t know even if it hit me in the face.
I’ll probably be facing the wrong way and let it pass.
Then it sparks another question of why do I long for this relationship so badly.
Unnecessary pressure that I put on myself, always.
I should be happy, satisfied.
I have everything I need and no need to be looking for something.
There’s an emptiness in me.
A void that begs to be filled.
Shopping no longer sufficient to fill the void.
I fill it with interactions with men.
I fill it with conversations.
But this really isn’t fair for the other person, is it?
I am fully aware of my intentions, but I don’t show it.
I don’t know their intentions.
I don’t know their feelings.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, yet I am placing myself in situations where it will backfire.
Where feelings are involved.
It’s never a good scenario.
An unruly cycle of exposing other people’s feelings, feeling guilty and somewhat responsible, self loath, pity.
Then begin again.