Knowing your limit, knowing your place

I wish life were simple.
And yes, some may say that life is simple, you don’t have to make it so complicated.
But complicated comes with life when you’re living with anxiety and depressive symptoms.
Everyday is a struggle and a fight to make life a little simple where the fight only resets the next day.

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Illusion of reality

I try and try and try.
There’s only one thing I strive for, to ease my anxiety.
But my attempt to ease my anxiety is the root of my it all.

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Anxiety Driven

I think that I found myself, and then I lose it again.
A part of me is content. Satisfied. Occupied.
A part of me is desperate. Insecure.
I try to hold myself up high, but hold onto anything that gives me attention and comfort.
I try to pass it up as not needing anything, self-sufficient.

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No one asked you

Sometimes I feel like I’m only trying to live my best life to show gratitude.
Living life to show that there are good, genuine people, for the people who are less fortune, always trying to give something back.

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No translation

What I am doing is wrong, and I am aware.
But being aware does not make things right.
It does not make things easier to fix, to change.

I like to test the limits of the types of guys I can court, let’s just say.
I like to see whose attention I can grab.
I like to see whose interest I can entice.

I want the feeling of being wanted, to be desired.
I want to feel something.
I want a spark.

I want a relationship, but I know that I am in no state to be in a healthy relationship. Not with my current mentality.
I want something sustainable, yet I’m forever on a chase, always going after the faster car.
A race.
Until there is no race.
Until I am in the first place, no one ahead of me.
Then it’s a game of being chase.
A new player enters, and I’m on the chase again.
A never ending cycle.

Truthfully, I don’t really know what I am looking for.
How do you know what you’re looking for?
Do you first have to figure out who you are?
Do you first have to understand yourself?
Do you first have to know who you are?
Or do you just know when you come across this person.

I don’t really know what I’m supposed to feel.
I wouldn’t know even if it hit me in the face.
I’ll probably be facing the wrong way and let it pass.
Missed moments.
Missed connections.

Then it sparks another question of why do I long for this relationship so badly.

Pressure.

Societal pressure.

Self pressure.

Unnecessary pressure that I put on myself, always.

I should be happy, satisfied.
I have everything I need and no need to be looking for something.
There’s an emptiness in me.
A void that begs to be filled.
Shopping no longer sufficient to fill the void.
I fill it with interactions with men.
I fill it with conversations.
Hope.
But this really isn’t fair for the other person, is it?

I am fully aware of my intentions, but I don’t show it.
I don’t know their intentions.
I don’t know their feelings.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, yet I am placing myself in situations where it will backfire.
Where feelings are involved.
It’s never a good scenario.

It’s unhealthy.
An unruly cycle of exposing other people’s feelings, feeling guilty and somewhat responsible, self loath, pity.
Then begin again.

Vice Versa

I’ve viewed myself as keeping a safe distance from people because I understand the temporary reality of relationships.
Of course relationships can be maintained, but I understand that there are circumstances in people’s lives that make this difficult, and sometimes even impossible. It requires effort and patience, and I don’t think I’m deserving.
Because I don’t see myself as deserving, I see myself as temporary, never really worth the permanent place in the lives of other people.
Lack of self love.
Seeing myself as a nuisance.
If I see myself as a nuisance, who can see past it?
If I can’t give myself the love and respect, how do I expect it from other people.
Through my own perception of self, I have made myself temporary.

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