I hate feelings

I hate them so much, I can’t even begin to describe.
This is why I had my strong sturdy wall up all these years.
And all of a sudden there was a crack and my feelings started to spill out, fucker.

Every time there’s a crack in my wall, I realize why I hate them so much.
Yet, after some time I seem to forget how horrible it feels to have feelings.
Why do they even exist?
I, personally, am much happier without them.

It sucks when these feelings are for someone else.
It is highly unlikely that the feeling will be reciprocated.
But every time we think that it’s going to be different time after time but it’s not.
The smallest thing they say affects you, no matter how hard you try to brush it off.

Having feelings for someone else brings out the worst in people, or so I think.
You get all moody.
I mean, yeah, there are times were you get all giddy and feel happy inside, but what about all the other times?
The times where you get jealous, irritated, annoyed, sad, mad, upset, and the worst of all, you feel insecure.
Feeling insecure is the worst feeling, makes you feel like you’re not good enough.
And it’s a cycle all over again.
You want to be with them, but you can’t.
Fucking sucks.

Then you also start to get the feeling that they like someone else.
And all hope is lost. But a part of you still refuses to give up., and it hurts.
It hurts because you want to give up but you can’t.
It hurts because you have never tried, and will never know what it would be like to be with them.
And the feeling continues to linger with that “what ifs.”
What if I took a chance, a risk and actually did something about it?
What if he/she actually liked me too?
And the list goes on and on.
This feeling will always follow you around, yet you still don’t do anything about it.

You want to forget, to move on.
And you think, “This would have never happened if I help my wall up high and strong.”
And you start to blame yourself.
It’s just an endless cycle of just feeling empty.
You keep your wall up and you feel empty because you can’t bear to let anyone in and go on being fake-happy all the time, which you could be content with.
On the other hand, you can break down your walls and start to let people in and be vulnerable. But this would also allow you to be genuinely happy. But it makes you so vulnerable to being heartbroken and having feelings for other people, which also leads to the feeling of empty unless you actually get the person.

And you start to think, is it worth it?
You tell yourself no, yet you meet someone and they crack your wall.
This crack causes you to have an anxiety attack because you know what can happen when your wall cracks.
You start to match up the crack and end up pushing away the person you liked so much.
You feel empty because that special person in your life is now gone.
But you still manage to tell yourself that you did the right thing.

It’s just an endless cycle of pain and emptiness unless you decide to do something about it.
I always thought that having my wall up defined me as being strong and independent, but it doesn’t.
It just proves that I’m weak, weaker than those who don’t have walls to protect themselves from the outside world.

I’m not really sure of my decision yet, whether I want to continue being weak and keep my wall up to shelter myself, or to finally let myself free.

What do you choose
Do you think it’s worth it to take down your wall once and for all?


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