Posted in Daily Life

A Process: Self-Reevaluation

I have realized that my life isn’t all that bad.
I don’t have a terrible life, and I make it seem a lot worse than what it actually is – I realized that I am putting myself down and keeping myself down.
I have been telling myself that I am undeserving of anything good and happy, and that all good things come to an end.
I a way, I guess that’s true, but doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy the happy moments.
I have been keeping myself reserved.
I locked away the feelings of sadness, hoping to only feel the happy emotions, but it doesn’t work like that.
You lock away one emotion, you lock away all of them.
So I traded in the feelings of ultimate happiness to remove the feelings of sadness.
I thought I was making the right decision, but it turns out I wasn’t.
I blamed people of drifting away and getting tired of me, when in fact, I was pushing them away, and I was the cause of my own sadness. All because I refused to open myself up to people.

Recently, I decided to change that.
I decided that I deserve so much more, that I am ready to be happy and to accept the good things without knowing the outcomes of every situation.
To let myself be, to let myself go.

I made a big deal out of everything that happened in my life, but people have been through far worse things than what I have been through.
People have been through the similar situations as me, and I shouldn’t feel like I am the only person who has possibly been through those situations.
I tried to distinguish myself, and in that process, I was keeping myself down. I was afraid to open up in fears of people changing around me.

Here is the truth.
I am not alone.
I deserve the world, and the world deserves to know.
The people I care about and love deserved to know me, I owe them.
I should stop complaining that people drift away from me because I should have anticipated it. Who would want to stick around when I am a locked door and their doors are open. I sure wouldn’t.
Not only was I feeling alone, but the people I love and care about felt abandoned.

I am working towards being a more happy and open person.
I no longer want to fear the unexpected but embrace it.
All the things I feared, I want to embrace them.
Being close to people, commitments, relationships, love, intimacy, openness, vulnerability–everything.
Yes, they may cause me to be hurt, but they’re also something that can give me the ultimate happiness that I am searching for, and have wanted, but kept myself away from.

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