It’s so worth it

I make not-so-smart choices with what I do with my time, but I don’t regret it at all.

I may have assignments to do and exams to study for but the moment a friend asks me to hang out with them, my answer will always be yes without a second of hesitation. This may not be smart considering the fact that I am a procrastinator to begin with. Some of you may say I’m being irresponsible and I should learn how to say no to friends, but I’m always going to say yes. My friends are the people that have stuck by me through my worst. They have seen me and they’re still here for me. This is not easy for me or for them. It is not easy for me to open up to people, and when I find people I can open up to, I will give them all I have. I will drop everything in a second to be there for them.

I should probably take more responsibilities and get my priorities straight, but they already are. Friends and family will always come first, any minor family or friend event will take importance over any grand assignments or exams. I don’t regret giving them my time, they deserve it.

I am not going to have all the time in the world to be with the people I love, but I will have all the time in the world to get my work done. I can get my work done at 3AM, but I will not be able to be with the people I love at 3AM. I can change the way I manage my time, but the time I have with the people I love are limited.

When I say no to the people I love to get more work done, I regret it. When I say yes to the people I love and have my work postponed, meaning I will be losing sleep, there isn’t the slightest hint of regret. I feel happy. People make me happy and I want to fill my life with as much happiness as I can. It’s hard to find happiness in a world that is cruel and selfish. I have no intention of letting go of my happiness any time soon.

I may be too lazy to do something for myself, but never will I be too lazy to do something for other people.

With all this being said, it is also not easy for me to give my love and time to people. It takes time, a process of me playing the “push-and-pull” game. It’s an inhumane game, but I can’t help it. I have problems with getting close to people, and once I push them away, I have the tendency to explain myself to them, apologize and pull them back in. And this cycle repeats for about 5 times. If they haven’t been chased away by my game, I realize that there aren’t that many people who will stick around, as I know from past experiences. I realize that there are only a handful people who are willing to say by my side through all the surface, substance-less conversation. Them opening up to me but getting nothing in return.

I am deeply sorry for playing this game, if you have been a victim of it. I didn’t mean it, I’m just a ball of anxiety and damage soul who has trouble dealing with it, even today. But I’m trying.

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