Side note: the song that is playing fits my mood perfectly right now
Put Your Records on by Corinne Bailey Rae
I’ve been putting myself down for all my life. I told myself that my life is sad and that nothing good ever happens. Even when something good did happen I justified it with good luck. When something bad happened I blamed it on myself. I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness. I spent my whole life giving people everything I had for nothing in return. This made me think that I was supposed to give and people were only supposed to take things from me.
This may have helped me be selfless and be classified as kind, but it backfired on me, a lot. I felt undeserving of the people in my life and the occasional good things they did for me. I felt undeserving of happiness. When happiness came into my life I ran from it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know what to do with the happiness and the kindness people gave me. In a way, it felt wrong.
But not anymore.
I’m taking my life back and what’s rightfully mine. I’m going to take and accept the kindness and happiness around me. I now realize that I, too, deserve happiness. Ever since realizing that I actually deserve happiness, I am more open, and learning to be more vulnerable. I have missed out so much in life, I have been rejecting what life has been trying to give me.
Lately, I have been filled with so many happy thoughts and memories. The kindness of others that I have rejected before, I’m accepting the happiness it brought me now and it feels right. Life is too short to ruminate on things that have already happened, and to be sad. There are so many good opportunities and chances to experience new things. There are people around you who care, and they don’t care about the stupid mistakes you have made. They accept you just for the way you are.
Now, I feel like I shouldn’t dwell on every little things because there are so many more things to be grateful for. There are people who has went through things far more worse than what I have been through, and people who aren’t as fortunate as me. People who aren’t surrounded as much happiness as I am, so who am I to complain. I think that every little happiness in life is worth holding onto, you never know when you’re going to need it.
I have made wonderful new friends, friends who genuinely care about me, and I can be myself around them. They deserve my genuine feelings and laughters, not the fake ones I’ve been giving people in fear of being genuinely happy and revealing my true self. I was scared to reveal who I am because I grew up feeling like no one would like the person I really am. Also, partly because they seemed to like the person I was pretending to be, I didn’t want to risk losing people by showing them who I really was. It’s been a really long process, for me to be where I am, and I didn’t know if I would ever get here, but I am happier than ever. They get me through life, through the difficult times, through my difficult past that I had trouble leaving behind.
I have wonderful people in my life, who has been through my difficult process. I have hurt them along the way, but they still stuck by my side, so thank you. You do not know how much you mean to me. I try to express my gratitude for you, but I’m not the best at it. I still have the fear of coming off as being annoying or clingy, so I’m sorry. You have seen me transform into the person I am today, and I hope you are proud. This is for you and me, both, and for the future. I cannot imagine where I would be without you. I hope you stay in my life, and I plan on staying in yours.
When bad things happen, I know how to pick myself up and brush off the dust and continue my journey down the path of my life. I tell myself that it’s okay and that I have learned something new, that I wouldn’t have otherwise. WHen good things happen, I tell myself that I did well. I tried my best and the result is good. Good things happen when you give your all and don’t give up. But most of all, I am capable of succeeding and I am capable of failing. I have accepted that not everything is perfect and sometimes things need wrong. Being right and succeeding helps you realize that you have potential, but failing and being pushed down helps you learn your mistakes and better yourself for the future, and that once I pull myself up, I realize that I am strong and capable of getting back up. Failing makes me stronger, if I look at it from the positive perspective of life.
My whole perspective has been changed. I have crossed the line that I have scared to cross and I am no longer looking for the greener side of the grass. I am not saying that I am on the greener grass now, because no matter what, somebody else’s grass will always look greener, but I am no longer envying their grass, but rather working on my grass to make them greener and the way I like them to be. Perfect isn’t for everyone. I, for one, would take imperfection over perfection any day.
I am glad to say that I am happy being imperfect.