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Opening up

I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I told myself countless times that I would.
That things would be different.
That I would be different.
But it’s always easier said than done.

I can’t be open about my feelings.
I can’t openly express myself because of the irrational fear.
I don’t understand why I still have a fear of opening up to people. I already have a couple close people that I can freely open up to, but why do I still feel like if I mess up, I’ll have no one else left. Even if I mess up and they don’t appreciate me opening up to them, I’m always going to have other people. The backbone to my life. They stand strong behind me, but I still feel afraid. Perhaps I need to trust myself less and trust other people more. I trust myself to keep myself safe, when I should be trusting other people to keep me safe.

I’m sorry I’m always hesitant about my feelings. I’m trying not to be, but it’s really hard to change the way I am because of the way I grew up. I grew up thinking “trust no one”. It has served me well, but it’s just backfiring at me now. I don’t want it to. It’s not only hurting me, but also hurting the people around me. I tell myself that I’m not hurting them by keeping to myself, but it’s hurting them instead. I would be hurt, too, if people didn’t feel like they could be open with me. I respect and enjoy when people open up to me and trust me, so why can’t I give that to other people. Looks like I’m keeping everything to myself and refusing to share.

If I believe that people deserve all the things in the world, why can’t I give them the one thing that they might appreciate the most? I think I try to compensate for the lack of trust and feelings I give them with materials.

The truth is, I’m still scared. I’m scared because I care about you and the thought of losing you scares me. I don’t know what I might do. You’ve been so strong for me for thing long, and I need you to be stronger now. There is a lock on my door and it’s slowly opening. I’m the most scared I have ever been. I might be more distant than ever, but forgive me. I’m being distant in hopes to strengthening my lock. But please don’t let me be alone. Please don’t give me the chance to distance myself.

Give me two days.

I promise I will try harder.

For you, I will.

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