Not in terms with happiness

I am not one to be a familiar friend of happiness. For me, happiness is that one person that I desperately want to be friends with, but too afraid to get close to. We are acquaintances, we occasionally engage in conversations, but nothing that lasts. It has gotten to a point where I have led myself to believe that this is the extent of our friendship. Too scared to lose what I have to risk getting closer to happiness. I have convinced myself that I am content with my state of neutrality. Not too happy nor sad. 

When I was younger, I used to think that I was in charge of my own happiness and that I was the sole person affected by my level of happiness and how I decide to live my life, happy or not. But I realize that that is not the case anymore. My happiness also affects other people. More so because they are a part of my happiness, and not just outsiders. Not only do I not let myself to be happy, but I also do not let other people make me happy and to be a part of me. This is not fair to them or myself. I push people away in fear of happiness. I purposely act in a way people disapprove. Now, I subconsciously push people away with my words and actions. I find ways to push them away. I actually go through troubles to keep myself from being happy because I am afraid of how I will react when I get a little dose of happiness. Will I become depressed? Will I become dependent on other people? Will I still be the same person? 

Happiness is something I have to come in terms with. At this point in my life, I am happy. I am happy and I am looking to demolish it. How do I come to terms with happiness? Do I let myself be? Or do I have to keep my distance and only see it from afar? Happiness is the greatest gift of life we often take granted for. Some people do not have happiness at all and every glimpse of happiness we should treasure, but often we don’t. Since not everyone has happiness, I have learned to believed that I am not deserving of happiness. I do not believe I have done enough good deeds for the world to have the amount of happiness that I do. There are far more people that has done good than I have, yet I experience more happiness than they do. In no way am I saying that I am positively sure that they are deprived of happiness nor am I gloating about the happiness that I have. I truly feel privileged to have the happiness in my life, and the  people who make it possible for me to feel this way. I am simply stating that this is not fair. And I know that the world isn’t fair and that I would get my head out of the clouds but I can’t and I don’t want to. I want to live the short life I have on this earth thinking that way I do, and having the view I want. I don’t tell other people how to view the world and I don’t think I would be told otherwise as well. No one should tell another person how the view the world because no one person has the same perspective as the next. Our different perspectives make us unique and allow for different creative ideas, needs, and wants. Any who, I think it is time for me to stop jeopardizing my own happiness and to accept the great things that come into my life. I shouldn’t just dismiss it because I feel that I don’t deserve it. I should live to give back to the world for all it has given me.

It is not fair for the people around me to be dismissed because of my troubles with myself. I love the people in my life dearly and the least I could do is accept the happiness they give me and hope that I am able to provide them with the same. If I don’t accept the love and happiness they give me, I am not able to reciprocate the feelings they give me or show them the feelings have for them. I need to get my act together and approach happiness. I hate making people feel sad by my actions, my attempts to push them away because of my fears. I am ready to take happiness by the hand and walk with it. To let it be a part of my life and to enjoy the short life I have on earth. 


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