Blank slate

I have been feeling very lazy these past few, many, days and I just felt the need to blog about it. I have no idea what has become of me. I am waking up late, I can’t fall asleep fast enough at night, I have no desire to leave the house, I lost the motivation to read, and I seem to lack energy in general. Is this what summer is like for everyone else? Because it sure as heck wasn’t like this the past summers. I am a person of books. A person of motivation and desires. I love going outside. I enjoy everything to its full potential whenever I do something. Even when I’m watching movie, I just stare at it blank-faced. I really need to get my life back together. Am I getting tired of summer? I sure as heck am NOT ready to head back to school and face what is going to be coming at me like a storm. I just want to be back to whom I was before I began to lose energy. I want wake up early. I want to fall asleep at an instant. I want to exercise. I want to read. I want. So many things yet so little thought is given into these activities. Maybe I should start following my own advice to people: Follow the plan, not the mood. I need to set plans for myself and just do it. I need to stop lacking and procrastinating, that’s for when school starts (haha).

I just laughed at myself because I think I’m really funny.

I need to start scheduling my life. Or perhaps I’m just a little too excited for school to be starting and I can’t wait for it to happen. There are so many things to be done, yet I have done none. I just want to lay in bed with him and let the world fade away.

I wish to find out the core reason for my lack of motivation. Do I feel like this because I am overwhelmed or because I have lost all points in life. I feel as if I have been washed over by a sea of waves and it has left me as a blank slate to redefine myself. To start back from the beginning and to find myself. It’s as if my old self was not good enough. Perhaps this is my journey towards figuring out who I am and what it is that I really want. Did I really enjoy the things I did in the past? Or was I making myself believe that I did?

Finding yourself is one of the hardest thing to do and nearly impossible. We never find who we are, we are perpetually lost. We always have our sight set on the finish like that is visible from the hill we stand on, but never focusing on what is in front of us, letting all the beautiful moments and opportunities go to waste. Is that what I have been doing? Am I getting a wake up call?

Perhaps I have been in the hurricane all along and now that I am in the eye of the hurricane I am not quite sure of what it is exactly that I have to do. Do I go back into the hurricane of my mind and swirl around? Or do I stay in the eye of the hurricane and witness the magic of the hurricane? I think I am very overwhelmed. Looking at what have been my life to this point and I am just a little impressed. Being in the eye of the hurricane I have no idea how I have managed my life so far and I’m not sure if I am ready for it again. I think I got lucky. Instead of overthinking and feeling insufficient, I should accept the current state of life and take advantage of it to have a peace of mind. Listening to the sound of my mind working is beautiful, but perhaps peace of mind is something I need to get used to. Allow myself to be nothing but be everything at once.

From not knowing what to do with myself at the beginning of this blog, I have figured out where I am and where I need to go by the end. Who would have guess writing had this kind of magic to it. I certainly did not. I am quite amazed. I feel really good and refreshed. I think I can allow myself to be at peace and enjoy my time at the eye of the hurricane. This blog has turned out to be longer than I have expected but here I am, smiling, feeling content with nothing.


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