I never thought I would reach this point. But I’m here because I wanted to be, it was my choice. I thought it would be really good. But it was an illusion in my mind.
I feel like I’ve hit post-stress depression.
This is a real thing? I don’t know, I haven’t really looked it up. But if it is an actual thing and what I am going through is totally off from what it actually is, then… I’m sorry, but not really.
I’ve been in a state of high-level stress for a couple weeks. Through the days and the weeks I told myself that it will be all worth it. It will be all great, that you will feel liberated and happy and relieved after it is done, knowing that you have put yourself through such thing. But that is not how I feel. My head still aches, I am still tired but at the same time I feel restless. I can’t seem to give myself a break. I have a week off thanks to reading week, but not a day goes by where I can free my mind from the though of future assignments, midterms, and exams.
Few days ago my body had a break down.
It was around 6:30PM and I was still at school in the library. I needed more coffee to give me a little push so I got up to go get some. As I stood up, I felt a horrible stab in my stomach. It wasn’t a typical stomachache you get when you need to excrete waste or a cramp. It was a stabbing pain in my upper abdominal region. For the time I ignored it, I thought that if I ignore it that it would go away. I went downstairs to get my coffee and the stabbing sensation did not decrease, only seemed to get worse with more movement. Regardless, I had things to get done so I forced myself to get my coffee and go back up to the library. I sat down and the stabbing sensation began to settle a little but it was still there and very painful. My boyfriend worried more than I did, probably. He got me to stop studying and go relax on the couches we have at school. He thought it was indigestion, so he got me coke to drink and I did. Except it did not get better. However, as we rested, I did feel better. My stomach settled and I thought my body recovered. I got up to use the bathroom and as soon as I did the stabbing sensation came back. I realized that studying was no longer an option. I decided to go home early. During my commute home, the pain was excruciating. I couldn’t even stand up straight. This lasted for four hours, at least. I felt better after eating and drinking hot tea, but I’m still not sure what happened. By body just broke down.
The next day I got back on to studying, to make up for all the hours I lost the previous day. My health isn’t my number one priority anymore. Health became insignificant. My mind was telling me “what good is your health going to do you if you can’t succeed?” I continued to study for my two midterms which I had on the same day.
During my last day of study I told myself “one more day.” I thought that would be true. But it’s not. I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m getting sleep but never enough. Also thinking about the next paper to write and exam to study for. I do not feel relaxed.
I want to stay in bed and never leave. I feel sad that I put myself through such stress. Maybe I’m just weak and unable to handle as much stress as someone else, but everyone is different and I pushed myself too far. A little stress is worth a lot more to me than it would to someone else. It’s easier to understand if you put it in terms of how a poor person getting a dollar has a different meaning as to a millionaire getting a dollar.
Through this process I realized one thing. People need rest. No matter who they are and no matter what they believe, everyone needs a break. They need a time off from the real world and emerge into their own world. To be truly be able to enjoy yourself. I believe the most important thing in life is to be able to enjoy yourself in the midst of everything that goes on around you. To be able to pause without worry, because if you don’t you’ll forget that you’re able to enjoy yourself.
Maybe this is just me, and maybe you’re able to recover quickly and enjoy yourself even after weeks of intense stress. But I think I forgot how to live, and now I need to learn it again.
I know better know, but I probably won’t follow what I write. I’ll probably put myself under stress for the next month and intense stress couple weeks before exams.
Now I am in the process of recovering.