7/365: On repeat

I’ve been really into listening songs on repeat.
I feel like the repetition of songs help me calm my headache, or at least it seems.
But I’m not really sure.
I’ve been listening to Chocolate by The 1975.
It’s slowly, continually bringing me out of my school-mindset and bringing me into the mindset of summer, holidays, and all the fun jazz.
Sigh. It’s going to be a long while until I actually get there.
Little light by Rachel Platten. It’s a very cute song and makes me happy inside.
And Above the Timberline by Fighting for Five. I like it.

But the headache situation is so real. I can barely get work done without wanting to stab my brain out. That would be probably more helpful.

I have so much work to get done, still. And I had to take a rain check on hanging out with a friend this Friday. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken a rain check. Maybe I need it. But I also need all the time I can get. Since I don’t have work on Friday either, I’ll be able to come back down to school and be a library hermit.
I am literally the Library Ghost from the show Recess. That was a pretty nice show.

On a more serious note. Turns out I am not doing as well as I thought I was in school. I thought for sure that on my second sociology paper I would get an 80 or an 85. But no. Lower than my first one, by .75% but still. I have now given up on trying to get a 80% in that class. Also, in my communications class, I am not doing so well. I thought I would be. But I got low 70’s on both of my assignments. What is happening? This might be a contributing factor to my headache. Realizing that my work goes to crap. My mind is having a conflict, and I am caught in the middle of it.
It’s as if my mind is divided into two: the “WORK HARDER” and the “SLACK SLACK SLACK, your hard work is going to waste,” any they’re trying to pull me over to their side. I want to be on both sides, but I can’t. So I manage to struggle in the middle, trying to keep a balance.

My coffee consumption has not decreased. It’s steady as ever.
I want more coffee as I drink coffee. I want more food as I eat. I don’t know what has become of my body signals.

There’s this one line from the song Little Light that I really like and I can really relate to it.

“From the wells of your eyes comes a deep frustration”

I am so close to having a breakdown. My mind is slowly shutting down and it’s bringing my body down with it. I really wanted to do well this semester, but I guess that’s not happening. I would blame the profs, but I was truly good, then my grades would reflect it, regardless. I’m just not as good as I thought I was. That makes me sound very narcissistic, but I swear I’m not.

I want to cry and sleep all they as they pump caffeine into my bloodstream.

One. More. Month.

I just need to hold on for another month. Whether I am doing well or not, it doesn’t matter. If I give up now all my useless hard work is still going to waste.
I got through half of my long check-list already.
I just need to take one step at a time. One letter at a time. One sentence at a time. One paragraph at a time. One article at a time. One paper at a time. Maybe one tear a time too.


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