Posted in Daily Life

Where do I go

I have lost myself along the way to who I am now.
I do not know what to do, but nothing is every good enough.
Improving my grades aren’t good enough because they aren’t good enough, and at this point, I know that even when I do have a 100, theoretically, it won’t be good enough. I won’t be satisfied. I won’t be content. I will still have this feeling that I have, thinking, “why does it end here” “why is this the best I can have”
I then slump into a state of depressive symptoms, because why try when you know that nothing will ever be good enough. Why bother?
It tells me to not bother because nothing really matters.
But I don’t I can’t feed into it. So I force myself out and try to get some work done, in hopes of it making me feel better. Calm my nerves.

I buy more and more, I pile more and more things up in my closet, but not enough.
Never enough.
I spend money and then go back to spending more.
I tell myself that I will stop, but I can’t.
Because what is life when you can’t have everything.

But I don’t want everything. I don’t want anything.
I just want life for what it gives me. For me to be centred and grounded.
To fill myself spiritually and mentally, not materialistically.
I want to be simple.
Bare.

I feel anxious. I feel empty. I feel like this about everything.
I never used to be like this, but what has happened to me.
I can see my life flashing by, and there is nothing I can do.
I am helpless.
I am alone, but I’m not.

I have so many people around me who support me and accept me for who I am, but still, I am not good enough.
I am not good enough for myself to accept me.

Somedays, I am tempted to stay in bed and to shut the world out and sleep forever.
Somestimes I want to shut the world out and be sad.
But be sad about what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. at all.
And then I force myself out of bed to “pick myself up”
I don’t get to be like this when there are people in such harsh conditions being stronger than I am.
Going on with their lives to get somewhere, and that’s the least I could do to not take what I have as a privilege.

I feel lost and I don’t know why I feel like this.

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