Day 1: Letting it go

I don’t sleep.
I can’t sleep.
I feel anxious.
I feel anxious because I lost my Bronze Cross Certificate and need to find a way to get a new one as soon as possible or try to recall what I’ve done with it.
Being the hoarder that I am, I don’t think that I’ve thrown it out, but I might have.
I’m not sure.
I feel anxious because I couldn’t print out the End of Day report at work when I had to close.
I tried, but then later I forgot. I should have tried again, and it may have worked then. But I didn’t. Because I forgot. And now I have to tell my manager that I messed something up, again.
I try my best to never make mistakes but also keep my anxiety at bay. Sometimes, it don’t work out so well.
I’ll message her soon.
I feel anxious because I have a SOC midterm tomorrow and I do not feel prepared.
I feel anxious because I got a 70% on my paper, and I need to know how I did on my PSY midterm.
I feel anxious because I need to get started on my second paper soon, but haven’t started yet. Or even have the slightest idea of how I’m going to write it.
I feel anxious because I re-contacted old high school friends and they probably think I’m weird with an ulterior motive.
I feel anxious because I have to tell my manager that I will have to take days off.
I feel anxious about it because I am already taking days off due to my spring courses and not wanting to work so much.
I feel anxious because my eye feels weird. I just probably scratched it badly but I wonder ‘what if this eye irritation stays with me forever?’ ‘what if it’s something serious?’

But all this needs to stop. It needs to stop because all this anxiety is meaning less.
It’s causing me insomnia.
I haven’t slept in the last 2 days.
It’s causing me to lose weight.
I bruise easier.
I seem to be injuring myself accidentally more. By which I mean bumping into things, and scratching myself against it with no intention to do so.
It makes me avoid responsibilities.
I feel like everything is falling apart.
I just feel anxious.
Thoughts and scenarios run through my mind, and they’re all bad.
None of my anxious feelings matter.
They’re all in my mind, but I can’t stop it.
If I could, I would have. But I can’t.
I just keep thinking of all the bad situations and everything wrong with everything and anything.
When I see people’s lives falling in together, I get envious. I wonder why my life can’t be like that.
And then I try to tell myself that pictures are only part of the story.
But I refuse to believe it.

I need to let everything go.
I need to let myself go.
I need to let myself live.
I shouldn’t say that other have it easier and must be so nice.
I shouldn’t say that other have it much harder and I should be thankful for what I have.
I’m just basing myself off of other people with no reflection of me.
I need to focus on myself.
I think I have geared too much of myself towards others.
I am going to enjoy myself.
I am going to enjoy my life without fear of judgement.
I am going to embrace myself without judgement.
Because it’s just all me.
I am me critiquing myself.
I am also others critiquing myself.

I need to be me and accept it.
I need to find myself, build myself.
I need to enjoy myself.
I say ‘be your own best company’ but it turns out that I’m the loneliest I can be and my worst company.

I am letting it go.


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