Day 2: still struggling

I’m so tired.
I feel so unproductive.
I am not making a good recovery.
I am having more doubts and more anxious feelings.
Some of my anxious feelings from yesterday continues to linger despite my efforts.

I feel anxious because I feel like I am being wasteful of my time.
I have a six hour break between my two classes on Tuesdays and Thursday.
And my boyfriend lives near campus and I end up spending my six hours with him since he asks.
Previously, I have planned to be super productive in my six hours.
I planned to get all my readings from my morning class done before my later class, but that hasn’t been happening at all.
I feel like I’m falling behind.
I feel like I’m not as on top of my work as I can be.
I planned on doing all my readings and making notes, since when I get home it’s pretty later. Normally around 10:30.
And on the days I don’t have class, I find myself too preoccupied and stressed out.
This is not healthy for me.
And then today I wondered if he would do what I am doing right now for me.
I wonder about this because I know he’s really into getting all his work done, and all that jazz.
I wonder because I feel like he wouldn’t.
I feel like if I were to ask him, he would say yes.
But in practice, no.
And then I feel like I’m even more wasteful.
Look at me wasting all my time when I can be productive.
I mean yes, it’s good to spend time with him and everything, but I wonder if I should be prioritizing my time with him before my school work, before my education. My education I am paying for. Giving up my time that I should be putting in towards school to get a higher mark. The higher mark I need to bring up my GPA. The higher mark I need to get into grad school later.
And then I feel so stupid.
I feel like such a child because I am only realizing this now.
What’s even more hateful is that he know how much my grades mean to me.
He knows how much he prioritizes school for himself.
He knows how much I’m trying to do better, to do well. Yet he requests that I spend time with me and I agree to it.

I need to focus.
I need to find myself.
I need to say what I feel.
I need to say what is on my mind.
I need to be nicer to those who are around me, but that doesn’t mean sacrificing myself.
I need to find a balance.
I need to stop shutting people out when they request 5 minute of my time just because I have know I’m going to spending many hours with someone and I need to make up for it.
It isn’t fair.
It isn’t fair to me, or for the people I am shutting down.

I need to be better to myself.


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