Posted in Daily Life

Day eight: still breathing

Still feeling incompetent with everything I do and every thought I have.
I think of all the things that needs to be done and all the things I have done.
The results of everything I’ve done and whether they were complete at my full potential. And the answer to that is almost always a no. Kind of shitty and depressing and lame.
Nowadays, I think of what I have to do and I can’t get myself to do it.
As I watch one, two episodes, blankly watching the time pass by.
Three, four episodes and I feel terrible about myself for watching this many when I have a stack of work to get through.
Five. I can’t stop. As much as I feel terrible, it has the ability to take me away for 45 minutes and I lose myself.
I know I should invest that time into something greater, but I can’t.
It’s probably the worst part of this vicious cycle.
Watching shows help me forget. Not that I have a lot I want to forget about. But I just want to forget, to escape.
Living where every day does not feel like a new day.
The times passes me by but no day passes by.
I am stuck.
And I don’t know how to escape, to free myself.

I lay and do nothing. Feeling desperate to do something but unable to do anything.
Hopeless.
Suffocated in myself.
In my mind.
In my body.
In my environment.
In which I don’t feel like I belong.

I just want to feel okay without doubt. Without needing to convince myself. Just for once.
Just for once not need to convince myself that it is okay to feel okay.
That I have accomplished a lot.
That I have done thing.
I am capable.
I am deserving.
I am enough.

I just want to feel like I belong in myself.

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