Day nine: attraction

Today I am feeling better.
But I did have a pretty weird dream.
Do I want to talk about it?
I don’t know, maybe.
But I feel guilty about it.

Any who, that will be saved for last.

I had breakfast and coffee.
I watched two episodes of The Mentalist.
Then I worked out for 40 minutes or so.
I feel healthier.
And then I had lunch.
I played a little bit of the piano and then played my flute.
So far, I have accomplished a lot in aims to avoid studying.
I have two exams four days from now, but I really don’t want to study.
I just don’t.
I’m not really sure why.
But I probably will be cramming so I should really start ASAP.
I will start after this.

I feel lighter.
I feel happier.
I feel that I crave male contact.
Maybe it’s the whole daddy issue.
I helps me feel safe and calm and helps me forget.
Yes, my best friends and friends have that effect too, but it’s so effortless with males.
We don’t have to be close or good friends to make me feel like that.
Maybe it’s because I lacked the attention I wanted from my dad.
Maybe it’s because although both my dad and brother paid attention to me, we fought, they had anger.
I gravitate towards them.
But it’s not with all of them, only certain.
Those with kind, humble, confident souls.

Also, I met this guy yesterday. Well, we knew each others’ existence but we never really talked much.
We hung out for about 40 minutes after class because we ended earlier.
We walked around the mall.
We talked and silences weren’t awkward.
We looked at clothes and such.
I felt like I could go shopping with this person.
It was fun.
He was nice.
And then we exchanged numbers before he had to go meet his friends for lunch.
Only a few messages were exchanged after that, but it was nice.
He asked if I wanted to hang our next Thursday, I said yes but he has not responded yet.
He set the day and time and asked me to choose a place, but I said I didn’t get out much and don’t know much places, probably threw him off or something.
I don’t mind so much, if he changes his mind I can relax at home, go explore the woodsy part of my area and/or go shopping with mother.

I like the attraction that two people feel when they meet.
I crave that attraction.
Definitely daddy problems.


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