Day Ten: without manual

Side note: I just realized that my titles are very inconsistent in using words or numbers and capitalizing.

I have a minute before I head out to work but not enough to get a little studying done so I thought I would get my thoughts out.

I feel happier today, I’m not sure what it is.
There’s a feeling inside me that says risk it, go for it, be you and live.
And I have 3 more days to go until all my exams are done and I am free.
And then I’m going to go shopping.
Although it may not seem like a long time, but I have been good at holding myself back from buying things.
It’s been approximately a month and a half.
That’s pretty good for me, considering.
I feel better about it.
I’m filling myself with other things.
I’m looking into more activities.
I am healthier.
I have more time.
But I still love shopping.

A part of me feels anxious.
I need to get my feelings sorted out.
I need to be committed and accountable for the people in my life.
For all the feelings, time and moments they share with me and invest in me.
Yet, I am not a very good reciprocator.
I do try my best to give back, to give back more than I get back.
But many times I withdraw.
But I’ve been better at it.
I’m asking people to hang out with me, I’m making plans with people. I’m initiating my interest.
This is something I’ve rarely done.
I usually try to get people to ask me to hang out with them by saying things such as “what are you up to, I’m bored”.
It’s terrible, I know. A bad habit to get into.

Oh, side note 2:
Listen to Infidel by Five for Fighting.
There’s a line in the song that I really enjoy whenever I am stressing out or feeling distressed.
“Here we go, someone’s knocking at my window, here we go, I didn’t ask for this shit”
Very relatable, or at least I think so. But hey, that’s all that matters right, since it’s my blog and all. Heh.

I’ve also been having moments of deep sadness, instantaneously.
I try to snap myself out of it.
I’m not too sure what triggers it.
It makes me want to lay down on the floor, wherever I may be, and lay in silence or cry a little.
I guess I have the darkness, the sadness still in me no matter how much I try to suppress or change that and try to be happier, lighter, carefree.

I think writing really helps.
It helps me reaffirm myself.
Writing it down makes it real.
I don’t have to convince myself that my negative feelings and thoughts are just all in my head and are not real. That I am making things up. I am pretending.
Makes me feel okay to have these feelings and thoughts.
Life is a process.
Life functions without rules, without guidelines, without a manual.
We are all just trying to figure it out.
To make our own rules, guidelines, a manual.


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