5. (No) pity

I just spent the last 8 hours watching ‘Chuck’.
Do I regret it? Maybe a little bit.
Do I pity myself for it? Maybe a little bit.
Would any course of action or planning have changed this? Not at all.

Whenever I binge watch TV shows, I think about how much more productive I could have been during that time as I click on the next episode.
But the truth is, nothing would really have changed.
If not watching more episodes, I would probably have been watching YouTube videos.
If not, I probably would have taken a nap (which technically would fall under being productive).
Or I would have been too tired to do anything and just stare at the screen or my book as I try to get something done.
Some things are just inevitable.
I am just tired, perpetually.

Tomorrow will be my last day of work, and I will be able to pick up my last cheque next week.
I am more than excited to be quitting. To be able to have time for myself.
To not be under the constant time constraint.
To not be working 9-10 hours without a break, barely eating.
I am happy to be able to eat, drink, and sleep.
I can almost taste it.
Looking back, I had it really good in first year.
No work.
Just school.
But still procrastinated and did horrible in first year.
But I had it good. Life was good.
I spent time with family and friends.
I still got all my assignments done on time.
I relatively studied for my midterms and exams.
I did some readings that I deemed more important than others.
I got by.
Did do terrible, but didn’t do good either.

Many times I end up pitying myself. How pitiful.
I feel bad about how tired I always am.
How much I make myself work.
How I waste my time and life.
Not getting things done.
Not doing as well as I should be.
But there really isn’t anything I can do about it, and at this point it’s only bringing me down.
I need all the energy I can foster.

The chapter I am reading is particularly dry and I am still unable to get myself to read through it for the past few days.

Goodness, I give up.
I will just have to be extra productive during the week.
Or perhaps tomorrow.


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