I am going to talk about it. I am going to talk about my relationship with food and eating. I always only liked to only talked about one side of the relationship, the loving the side. The side that is considered normal and the side that I could be proud of. The side that is easier for me to express.
I am a rather thin individual, and maybe it’s genetics and I got passed on some advantageous genes, but I like to think it’s a result of control. This is the side I don’t talk about it. I’m so afraid.
It is probably a cause of genetics that allows me to be considered thin, but I don’t think of it this way. It work in my advantage for me to push it onto solely my genetics. I like to portray myself as someone who eats a lot, who is careless and doesn’t care about whether I gain weight or not from the food I eat, but I do. I’m able to come off as this ways because I am thin and it makes others believe that I am happy with myself, that I am satisfied, but I’m not. They don’t see me, they see the mask I put on when I wake up and take off before I sleep or whenever I’m alone. When I do this, when the mask comes off, I begin to feel shameful that I ate all the food. I step on the scale just to make sure the food didn’t affect my weight. The scale is a reflection of how I see myself. I then reassess myself, I reassess how much I can eat, and how slow I should eat when I am around people so that I can be seen as always eating and eating a lot. It is restricting but it comforts me because I am in control. It makes me believe that I get to have the best of both worlds, rather to make it seem like I have the best of both worlds.