Is what a drunk resident said to me, not that it matters that he was drunk.
It was a casual Sunday at placement, I was helping out with a project that was led by a group of students from another college. We were all helping out in the kitchen and when he saw me he told me, “you are better than you think you are.” At first I brushed it off.
“Don’t let it get to you, you’re going to start feeling emotional”
Lately I’ve been feeling a lot of emotional, tear-jerking every time for everything. I’ve decided to forgive myself for it. The more I forgive, the more it happens. I guess it just means that it’s been suppressed this much.
Hours went by, people were enjoying themselves. The event being held was a collaborative lunch between residents and the college students. We were busy going around giving people their food, taking their empty bowls and plates, and serving the next course. It was almost the end of the lunch and I went to check up on him. He wasn’t done his lunch let and I’ve been informed that he is drunk. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t nauseous or anything.
I went to talk to him and he kept repeating to me, “you are better than you think you are.” And I could feel that he could feel that I was getting emotional. He said that he could see it in my face. It was really nice to hear, although sad.
I still think about it now, and it gets me upset. That it’s so obviously written on my face that I play myself down, and I’ve come to believe the down-played version of me. It makes me act in a certain way. It affects me.
Even my cousin, even everyone. They see that I could do better. I am better, but yet, I decide to stay lower. Is it sad that I do this. Is this a lack of confidence? Or do I do this knowingly and willingly, in turn affecting every other aspect of me to match this down-played version of me.
I think it started as being “humble” but now it’s a part of me that I have difficulty changing.
It makes me believe that this is me. But it’s not.
This, while brief and may seem insignificant, was eye opening and heart wrenching. That I was doing this to myself. And that it was visible that I was not happy about doing this. Keeping myself from blooming into something.
It’s going to be a very difficult process, but a journey I need to take.