Bleak

Today started out fine.
I woke up fine.

It was nice to wake up late with him. Feeling like I have nothing to worry about. Him not commenting on my bare face. His hands on my body. All over me.
But then I remember. I remember that I still have a long life to go before anything. I also remember that he’s not the one I want this forever with. I remember that our relationship is really nothing. We enjoy each other’s company, but neither of us willing to do anything. Me, not ready to commit. I just got out of a 2 year relationship. We started dating end of my first year, and I broke up with him some months ago. I’m in my fourth year now. He thought we would be forever, I didn’t see that.

I’m young. I’m careless. I’m exploring. I’m not ready.

After ending that, I get into this. This thing that I don’t know.
We work together. After a while of working together, he asked me to hang out. I don’t really think too much. I thought that maybe he liked me, but nothing more. Just to hang out. I’m not really sure. But we kissed. He kissed me. I kissed him. We almost had sex. I left. I didn’t want to do it. Fast forward a few weeks. We have sex. I sleep over. We have sex every few hours throughout the night. I lie to my mom.

Now, I can’t help but see this is how my life is going to be.
I don’t know what I’m doing with myself.
But I’m glad that he’s feeling pleasured.
I know, because he said so, said that it was good.

I don’t know where my soul is, where my life is taking me.
I just want a simple life. A simple life I can’t seem to have. I think this is why I’m so desperate for an escape. The only thing that keeps me going is education. I want education. I want to do well. But everything else is a source of stress that adds to my desperation.

Not really sure where I was going with this post. I just needed to express how I feel.
So many people would love to have what I have.
To have a guy who gives you undivided attention. Only to be good to you. I threw that away. It wasn’t good for me, nor what I was looking for.
To have a guy that wants to be with you, to be close to you, hands all over you. But I don’t want this either.
(But to be honest, who knows if I’m just the only stupid one he was able to pick up willing to have sex with him. Maybe he would pick another if he had the choice)
Maybe I just want to jump down the rabbit hole. To be stuck.

Honestly, at this point, I’m just over-thinking everything.
I feel stupid. I feel stupid because I feel like I am the girl that has no standards and spend the time with any guy.

Yesterday, a guy that was asking for donation or something, he was cute. Good-looking. I wouldn’t mind dating him.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for.
what a slut. Just wanting to date different men. Is that bad?
I just haven’t found what I like, what I want, what I need.

Future seem bleak because I feel like a failure. Not smart enough. Afraid of commitment. Afraid of missing out of being with someone better. I’m just being a child.

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