Just one of those days where you overthink everything that happens in your life, as well as for everything that doesn’t happen.
Also, today is a Thursday, which means that some bad luck event is expected.
I do hospice volunteer, and visit clients at their homes. Today, I went but no one answered the door, which isn’t unusual. The door is usually open. So I knocked a good 5 hard knocks and opened the door. No one on the couch, where she usually is. I call out to see if she’s in her room or something, without actually entering her home. I catch a glimpse of her in her room, or a body like figure in the bed covered in a comforter. Connecting the dots, I leave.
This was 11:00 AM.
I go back home, go about my day. Throughout this whole day I have a headache and nausea. Not the super bad kind, but the annoying kind.
Any who, I try to go about as normal as I can. But obviously this headache isn’t letting me concentrate to get my work done.
I nap a good 2 hours just to get an e-mail from the volunteer coordinator saying that she had a voicemail from my client saying that she was going to cancel the meeting today.
Whatever, what is done is done.
But now I’m just more annoyed that I’m unable to get my scheduled work done.
I fear that if I don’t get everything checked-off, I will not succeed. I fear that I won’t get into the grad school of my choice. I fear that I will fail, myself and all those around me. I feel like I’m just getting my hopes up. Telling myself of my dream of a future. But unable to follow through with action during this present day.
Maybe I’m not dedicated enough. Maybe I’m waiting for things to come easy for me. I know that things don’t come easy. You have to work for every little thing you want. Anything good that happens isn’t for free. It’s always the product of your past actions.
I think writing this is exactly what I needed. The little push to get me up from bed. To clear my mind, to see clearly of how I am. I would take the day of rest, but I already had a day of rest yesterday.
Am I being too harsh on myself? I don’t think so. At this rate, I’m not getting anything done.
I also have a list of side to-do list that I want to tick off.
Second thing being over-thought about today.
Why do I feel thee need to apologize when people ask me to hang out and I don’t want to. Why do I feel compelled to give them a reason. Why do I feel like I’m failing them, failing to be a good friend or a good partner. Failing myself to be the person that I want to be.
This guy that I’m casually seeing asks me to come over most nights. His reason? “I’m bored.” I can’t help but feel like I’m being “booty-called.” Or maybe that’s the only reason he has without saying “I want to see you.” But who even the heck knows. And of course, many nights I decline due to my work load and health. And of course I feel bad. I feel the need to apologize. Why? Not like I’m doing anything wrong.
I have no idea where this “relationship” is going. Maybe he just genuinely want to spend more time together. Maybe he just wants sex. I tell him I’m sick and that I’m going to take a nap. His response? “Come over. You can nap here.” He also does offer to come pick me up. But I’m a homebody, and I don’t like to be out and about, unless the occasion calls for it.
I just hate not knowing where he’s going with this. I’m just waiting until the holidays to see if anything comes up. He says he likes Valentine’s day. I already expressed my dislike towards it, but we’ll see. I know Valentine’s day is some time away, but it’s all I’ve got. Something either becomes official or things end. I’m kind of expecting it to end. I don’t want anything to become official. I fear commitment. I can’t do it. It scares me and I’m not ready. I feel like I should be looking for “the guy” to be married to, and he’s not someone I see marrying. But do we ever see ourselves marrying someone from the get-go? I don’t think so. But I think that’s what I’m waiting for, what I’m expecting.
Today has just been a day full of thoughts. Putting too much thought into my state today. Things neglected, things said, heard, done. Overthinking is just a formula for exponentially increase pressure onto yourself and a tumble down the hill of self-doubt and unacceptable. It makes you vulnerable to yourself.
Today, I’m vulnerable to myself. It makes me upset. I just want to curl up in a blanket and forget the world.