Tumbling down

Today’s just been a shit day, and what better to do than to write about it?

I feel fat.
I feel incompetent.
I feel stupid.
I am tired.
I feel undeserving, of opportunities and people.

I’ve put on a couple pounds, which isn’t a bad thing, but I wasn’t planning on it. It’s not the kind of weight you feel good about. I feel terrible about it because my diet has not changed and I have been exercising. It could be the increase in muscle mass, but I don’t feel stronger or toned. I feel bloated, and I can see it. It makes me feel gross. I’ve been trying so hard not to feel this way.

I feel like I’m not getting much school work done at all. I have two essays lined up and a writing assignment that I need to get through. I originally planned for all these to be done a week ago. I’m behind on my readings. I’m not really sure how this happened, usually I’m better than this.
At placement, I feel like I’m a bother to the workers. I’m still shadowing different workers, and training. It’s been a good month now.

I am so tired. My sleep has gone to shit. I’m so tired that eating makes me feel nauseous because I don’t have the energy to digest it. Sometimes I end up falling asleep. This could be the cause of my bloating. I feel like I’m eating less, but at the same time I feel like I eat more than the usual amount.
I’m working more. I’m trying to push myself further.

The combination of these feeling make me feel undeserving of anything good. I can’t bare to meet people and make plans with them. I feel guilty. I just want to stay home where no one can see me. I just want to be sad. Cry myself to bed. The thought of seeing people for pleasure makes me feel so anxious. Like, I’m wasting time on something I don’t deserve. Not only am I digging myself a bigger hole, but also pushing people out of my life. This also makes me feel terrible. They don’t deserve to be pushed away. They are wonderful people. They shouldn’t have to deal with me.


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