Unexpecting

Lot has happened. I didn’t want to believe it. I held off long enough. But it’s confirmed. I’m pregnant.

I’m still going to take another test tomorrow to make sure. Just in case.
Is it bad that I’m hoping for a miscarriage. Apparently, it’s more frequent than it is believed to be. It could happen within the 20 week timeframe. But I don’t want to wait 20 weeks in hopes for a miscarriage. What if I don’t have a miscarriage and I just have a 20 week old fetus in me. And it’s only going to continue to grow.
I’m scared.
I never believed that I would be in this position. Never. Ever. In a million years.

I feel like my life is falling apart.
I haven’t been able to get my essay done.
I haven’t been able to start preparing for my exam.
I’m just constantly tired.
My fatigue is just really bad.
I get small headaches.
I’m distracted.
I’m constantly hungry for foods that I usually don’t eat.
All this is just making me feel fat.
I don’t want to listen to my body and eat more, but I also don’t want the fetus to starve, and end up there being something wrong with it.

I’m troubled.
I’m trouble.
I only told one friend about this.
The “dad” doesn’t know.
We haven’t been seeing each other long. I’m not even sure what to call this relationship. Nothing’s been official. But maybe making things official is not a thing anymore.
Any who, haven’t told him. Don’t know when I’m going to tell him.
My mom will never know.
No one in my family will ever know.
This is not who they know me to be.
I am such a disappointment.

A part of me feel like I want this baby.
Now I understand a whole new world that I didn’t want to know about.
Only the world that I talked big about.
Now I understand just a little more.
Abortion is a tough decision.
Telling friends and family is a big deal.
Telling the “dad” is a big deal.
I understand the connect that people feel to the fetus even before it’s born.
I can understand how devastating it could be for people when they have a miscarriage.
I can understand the postpartum depression that many women experience.

I just need to distance myself.
I don’t want anyone to have an affect on the decision I make.
I don’t want anyone to have to experience the hardship that I am going through.
I don’t want anyone to see the hardship I experience.

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