Posted in Uncategorized

(un)planned

As much as I don’t want to harm my body in any way, whichever choice I make now will harm my body and I need a plan.
So I made one.
To have an abortion.

If I decide to keep the baby, I keep my body untempered, and let the fetus grow as it does.
This will affect my body.
It will drain my body of energy.
It will continue to cause headaches.
It will continue to cause backaches.
It will interfere with my studies, and my functionality.
After it is born, I will be deprived of sleep.

If I get the abortion, it is a one time harm. A short-term.
I will have the abortion, and my body will hate me for a few days, maybe weeks or months.
But it will be back to normal with time, care and effort.
I will be emotionally unwell and unbalanced, for who know how long.
But I will be okay.
I will get over it.
It will not affect my life.

I booked an appointment for abortion this morning.
One week from tomorrow, I will be preparing for my abortion.
Next Tuesday night, I will be fetus-free.
I will be on my road to recovery.
I believe that I will be okay, because that is all I have right now.
I can only seek support, and admit that I need help.
I will let my body rest, I will listen to my body.
I will take time off.
I will give it care.
I will dedicate to healthy eating and exercise to restore my body and flush the water weight.

I will be back to being the person I know I am to be.
Or the one I remember to be.
I can only hope for the best.

But right now, until the abortion, I hope the fetus is comfortable.
I have gas problems that cause stomach problems. I hope it’s not causing discomfort to the fetus.
I drink too much caffeine, I am trying to cut down, and I have.
I hope it’s doing some good for the fetus.
I kind of wish to know whether it was a girl or a boy, not that it matters.

I feel attached to this fetus.
I want to see it grow.
I want to see it prosper, and be the human that it was made to be.
I want to see this through, but I can’t.
And I regret that so much.
Maybe I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, but I will also regret it if I don’t get an abortion.
I have a choice, and I am going to take it.
I am going to put myself first.
Physically; so that I can function, and I have the energy to get my work done and get through the day without falling asleep.
Emotionally; to keep me from the pain of a crying baby while I try to keep up with my studies and feel hopeless and lost that I had to give up on my future, my plans, journey, and efforts.
Spiritually; I am probably ruining myself of this. But I can’t help it. I will find spirituality, and I will practice, and I will reflect, and I will only hope for the best.
Mentally; I need to be awake and stay focused.

One week from tomorrow, my choice will have been executed. No turning back.
It all seems so soon, but also so far away.
Tomorrow I am going to go to a walk-in clinic and see if I can find out how many weeks I am pregnant and get an STI test, just in case.
A part of me really wants to know how many weeks along I am, but a part of me doesn’t want to know. Doesn’t want to know anything that has anything to do with this growing seed inside of me.
It will only make me more attached. More greedy to keep it. But I don’t get to be greedy right now.
I don’t get to think about anyone other than me.
I’m only thinking about me.
I’m being selfish.
Am I being selfish?
Is abortion a sign of selfishness?

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