Self reflection

I guess I just wanted him to care. I guess I just want people to care. For people to genuinely care. For me to be not in a relationship where I care far more. Where my care is manipulate for them to use against me. Where my care is recognized and treasured. Where my care is reciprocated. Where it’s visible. Felt. 

I know majority of it is just my problem with myself. Some psychological issues where I have a need to care for others. Where I care too much. Where I care first. I say I never get invested in people, but that can’t be true. Can’t be true because there’s too much care. For everyone. Too much forgiveness. Too much space. Too much room for me to self deprecate. Where if I do the slightest thing, I just feel bad. Because I care. I care that I might have hurt them. I hurt myself through the care of others. 

I want it to stop but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it stop. This “too much care” also makes me push people away. I push people away because I just hurt myself. 

I need help but I don’t know what I need help with.

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