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Dump

A rollercoaster of emotions.
A rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings.
But nothing explained.
I just feel so.

Everything is felt at once. Everything is coming down all at once.
I’m graduating soon, struggling to finish my last semester.
I’ve returned back to school today and I start back at my placement tomorrow.
It’s all so overwhelming.
All so overwhelming because I have to put together a group presentation for next week for my year-long course. I don’t want to go back to placement. That place gives me the anxieties. I don’t feel good. I want to stay in bed. It makes me nervous to go back. Nervous because I need to graduate and I’m always on edge because I want to do well so badly. I’m taking a statistics course because I need it to apply to one of the graduate programs. I can already see myself struggling. I have to buy a new calculator, $60 at least, and buy the book which is close to $90. I’m working part-time trying to make my allowance. It’s stressful. It’s busy, and customers are shit. I just found out that one of my co-workers is quitting, who knows what a mess it’ll be at work now. I guess that’s why the manager hired a new person? But who knows, really, because we needed to hire a new person anyway without my co-worker quitting.
My social life is a mess.
I love my friends and I love spending time with them, they’re so precious. Every single one of them. But I don’t have enough time to meet up with them all. It’s stressful because I so badly want to spend time with them but time simply will not allow it.
I’m on Tinder.
I’ve met a couple nice people.
One guy I’m still seeing. I didn’t mean for it to turn into anything, but I guess he did? And I’m just going along with it. Who knows. Well, probably something to do with my fear of being alone that leads me to “collect” people. But he’s a really nice person. I enjoy spending time with him. That’s another reason why I don’t bring myself to think clearly.
I’m meeting up with another guy this coming Sunday. He seems really nice too. I don’t even know what I’m doing. Yes, I do. I enjoy the attention. I enjoy the affection. I’m feeding into my issues.
I met another guy last week, but no follow-ups. Which, I’m kind of relieved about.
I still have my benefit co-worker friend to think about. I don’t even know what our deal is. I stay over once a couple weeks and we have sex throughout the night. And then we carry on like it’s normal. But we don’t really talk. We don’t really go out. I’ve been pregnant with his child. Got an abortion. But that’s when we talked the most, probably. Because he wanted to check up on me, I guess.
I don’t know where my professional life is heading. I’m scared. I’m a wreck. I’m not really sure what to do with myself.
My current solution is retail therapy, but even that has become less enjoyable when I think of the dreadful side of my life. I know I should always stay thankful, and I am. I am so thankful and grateful for everything I have, people and material. I am honestly so blessed to be in the situation I am.
But what can I say? I just don’t feel good.
People don’t understand.
They tell me that I’m a brat, I’m spoiled, I sound full of myself, and other things along those lines. And it makes me feel like I’m a terrible person for feeling unwell in my situation. They tell me that I am the epiphany of the first world issues, and the result of first world problems. But I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I wish I could.

I’m still trying to be better
I’m trying to focus without stressing
I just want things to be over

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