3/365: (un)grateful

I realize just how blessed I am to have the family I have.
To be surrounded by such love and support whichever way I turn.
Whichever path I decide to take. Whatever choices I make.
I’m so lucky. And I know that sometimes I take it for granted. I forget.
But days like today flush me with tears of both happiness and sadness.

Happiness because I don’t know what or where I would be or who I would be without these people that I call family.
They shower me with love and affection.
People to share my passion, worries, achievements, and love with.
More than I deserve or could ever ask for.

Sadness because I know I don’t deserve this all, and no matter how hard I try to be deserving, a part of me knows that I never will be.
Because I know that there are other people who would be over the moon even with the fraction of love and affection that I have in my life.
I know that this isn’t the reality for everyone, and that makes me genuinely upset. Not in an underlying gloating way. But genuinely upset that the world we live in is not one of love and affection.
We have to fight for it.
We have to be deserving of it.
We work for it.
It’s not there for us. Not even from our families.
We compete.

Even I, so stuck in this mindset provided to me by society that tells me that I need to be deserving, and that just me isn’t good enough, or even just enough.

I truly treasure every moment and try to be mindful of this privilege.
Because it is a privilege, although it shouldn’t be.

I have the privilege of people having faith in me to do well without expectations, just wanting well for me.

I say ungrateful because sometimes I’m hateful of myself for having such privileges.
Essentially, I’m being ungrateful.
Not seeing and accepting it, and instead of working towards bettering myself and spreading positivity through all the love and affection, sometimes I become hateful. Spiteful.
I feel like the love and affection is overrated.
Like it shouldn’t be there.
Wanting it, but wanting it gone at the same time.
Not realizing how good I have it.
People that are considerate of my needs.
Considerate because they love me.
Always wanting to do more for me, but by me not being appreciative and showing it, I turn hateful.
Not to the people, just to myself.
Also, because I don’t know how to appreciate it, I can’t bring up conversation with them, because I don’t want them to think that I want more from them.
I stay quiet. I seem ill-mannered.
I’m just really conflicted.

I’m happy and sad and hateful.

I have no clue where this originates from, because I’m sure I’ve been showered with love and affection since childhood.
What so traumatizing happened to turn me this way?
I’ve always been taught to say thank you and show appreciation and thanks to all those around me.
To always be affectionate and kind.
But somehow I’ve turned sour.

It’s like my bubble’s been popped.
My bubble of bliss as I become hyper aware of my surroundings and realities of others.
Not being able to accept mine because Im too caught up in other people’s business.
Wanting to fix their business, and neglecting mine.

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