6/365: Behind

Everyone seems to be moving on.
Everyone seems to have their life figured out.
Everyone seems to have a plan, an idea of what they want and want to do, and working towards that.
Everyone is keeping connections.
Everyone is finding love, looking for love, trying love.

And then there’s me.

There’s me who’s still trying to figure out her life.
A girl that’s just wander through a beautiful tree, with aged trees with all different shades of green. Flowers along the walkway, as the wind blows the petals into motion.
I’m strolling through the park and along the sides there are people just like me in love, with jobs, with friends, enjoying their life.
It’s as if I’m too busy looking at people enjoy their lives to enjoy my own, to find my own.

I have no love interest.
I keep saying that I don’t need to be in a relationship, but a part of me longs for it, but I know that I don’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship with the wrong person. It only ends in heartbreaks and hardships.
But I want to be happy, happy in a relationship. But I feel like in my current state of mind and personality, I will not be able to find happiness in a relationship. I will never be satisfied. Content.
I’m scared that I will not change. I’m scared that this is how I’m going to be. Forever.
Dismissing any opportunities.
I just want things to fall into place.
Find a man who’s kind and fun.
A man who’s gentle but firm.
A man who can put up with me.
A man who’s going to push me outside of my state without making me feel like shit in the process.
A man who understands.
But who am I kidding, this isn’t a movie plot. It’s my life.

I know some of my other friends are also single and great.
But I keep focusing, fixating on the people around me who are in long term relationships, new relationships, and engaged.
Because they’re trying, they’re giving it a shot.
Whereas me, I’m scared.
Scared to fall, scared to look.

But not only love, but also jobs and studies.

I want things to work out so badly that I almost seem desperate while people have breathing space.
I’m suffocating myself because I want to do well so badly.
I want to be employed.
I want to move on with life.
I’m so tired. Tired with the life I have, I’m ready for new.
But I feel like the only way for me to get the new is through a new job opportunity.
I am desperate and I don’t know why.

Why am I so desperate for change? Why can’t I for once be content, be happy with where I am currently.
What’s so good about change? Maybe it’s just the fact of that if I am not ahead, I need to be constantly changing to prove that I am working towards being ahead.
I’m obsessed.

The fuel to my anxiety.
Pushing for change but scared of the unexpected, the unknown.
I’m a walking paradox.


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