7/365: Reasons

I’m a true believer in reasons.
Not just logical reasoning, but also in the idea that everything happens for a reason.
There is no chance.
It happens because it was meant to happen.
And not everyone is going to agree with me, and that’s okay. Because I’m okay with this.
Because this helps me.
It helps me to be calm. To remain okay in the midst of a hurricane.
To hold on because there is a reason, even if it may be no reason, a reason will follow. Something will follow.

In this moment in life, I’m doubting my abilities. My capabilities.
Am I even worthy to be here?
Am I worthy of the people that are around me and support me?
Am I worthy of the length people go for me?

I don’t know why they’re willing to stay with me.
I’m a wreck, a disaster with nothing good coming for them from me.
But yet, here they are.

This post is going to take a detour and I’m going to write about my dad.

He’s a good person, and just like him, I don’t know how to express myself.
He’s not the best at expressing himself; his feelings and thoughts.
He keeps to himself.
He wants to show his best self.
And he’s been coming down to where I’m staying every week to see me. To spend time together, and I’m eternally grateful and blessed.
It’s not cheap to be travelling this far every time.
He takes the bus, then takes the cab down to wherever we are meeting.
Then he pays for our meals. Also buys me things.
I know he doesn’t have a lot, but I still accept because a part of me knows that he wants to do this for me. Maybe to make up for all the missing time.
A part of me accepts because I want to. I want to make up for the missed times. The feeling of family, like it was never broken.

I know things aren’t easy for him. I’m probably at a more comfortable place than him. And it kills me inside knowing that he’s not comfortable.
It sends me off into a dark spiral.
I hate myself.
I would give up everything I have for him to reach a place where he wants to go.
I would cease my existence if it means that he gets to achieve what he’s working towards.
I would give mine up if it means that my dad gets to have a better life.
He wouldn’t even have to know that I’m gone since we don’t live together.
Maybe my mom will tell him.

I’m spinning in a web of my own imaginations, my made up reality.
A web of darkness and gloom.
A web where every turn is just met by another depressing thought and feeling.

I thought I could be happy, but in order for that to happen I need to give up my perfect reality.
I need to accept and change.

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