10/365: It is okay

We all like to believe in certain things about ourselves. I know I do.
Especially regarding my health.
I like to believe that I’m healthy.
I don’t boast about it, but I make it known that I am healthy and lean.
Some say I may be too thin, but I fall back on saying that I’m still healthy.
Or so I believed.

It’s time to admit a couple things.
I do eat. I eat a normal amount for a person my age. But eating always comes with caution and stress. Going vegan has been a good change for me to restrict food for myself without seeming picky or have people thinking that I have an eating disorder.
I eat a normal amount, but sometimes I don’t eat.
I count my calories.
At the end of the night I think about how much fat, carbs, protein, sugar, etc. I’ve had that day.
I indulge in coffee because it gives me energy and suppressed hunger.
It’s also a diuretic. I feel like it helps me to digest my food.
Digest fast so that it leaves my body faster.

I restrict myself of junk food, and while that is good, not at my level.
Nothing of extreme limitation is good for you.
It may be good for your health, but not for the soul.
I will at most have a couple pieces, at more 4, before I send myself into a spiral of self hate.
4 chips.
And I don’t have them that often. Maybe once every couple months.
Sometimes I eat junk food in front of other people as to say “hey look at me, this eating is my lifestyle and see how thin I am”.
I’m crazy.

I exercise.
I try to exercise or do some stretching 5 times a week.
Mainly yoga, because it doesn’t build muscle, just keeps you lean.
Also because then I don’t feel so guilty about eating.
Guilt. Eating. They should not be associated.

I obsess over my weight.
I want to lose all the fat.
I’m at my heaviest now, sitting at 45-46kg (100-103 lbs)
That’s below average for a person my height, but it’s still too much for me.
I’m driving myself crazy.
Yet, I still deny any possibilities of an eating disorder.
I couldn’t have an eating disorder because I’m not near death.
Making any excuses to pretend that I’m okay.
But it’s also okay to admit that you’re not okay because we all need help.

But I’ve recently been told that my nails and hair aren’t healthy because they’re not getting enough nutrients.
My nails are brittle and my hair dull and dry and thin.
But I do eat.
Maybe not the right food.
And not always the right amount.
I drag out my eating process to make it seem like I’m eating a lot. I eat slow.
My shoulder muscles are tense and my spine and neck aligned straight.
It’s not supposed to be straight. It’s supposed to have a slight natural curve.
But the combination of keeping a straight proper posture and lots of sitting for online interaction has consequences.
I’ve been told that I need to exercise more to combat this.
But where is the time. I know I need to make the time. I need to do more.
Really focus on my health, and stop looking at the scale.
All my small habits is the cause of the same problem.

But I couldn’t possibly ask for help.
I only help.
I can’t need help and help others at the same time.


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