11/365: Choked

Life is a scary thing.
A blessing but a curse.
Something we take for granted.
At times truly thankful for our life,
But wishing it away at the same time.
Questioning our existence, purpose, and meaning.
On an endless journey to find who we are, only to realize that it’s fluid.
We are what we want to be, yet unable to change to be who we desire.
Forever chasing, with a view in our sight, only to realize that we a on a treadmill.
What we need to do is get off this treadmill that leads us nowhere and find beauty and peace just where we are.

I write as if I have found who I am.
I write as if I have had a revelation.
But really, I’m the least qualified person to write as such.
My own worst enemy.

Lately I’ve been feeling anxious, or something.
I feel stuffed at the chest, in my throat.
Not hungry, but eating to keep the worried faces away.
My head feels deprived of oxygen, but smiling to keep away the frown.
Unable to function properly, not in control.
I just want to run, but not really because I get out of breath really quickly.
I’m just really unfit.
Wanting to be fit but without the effort.
I’m tired.
Too tired for effort. Keeps me from trying, from going.
Lack of life in me, that’s what it is.
But I really want more energy, more life, more optimism.
To keep trying
But expecting too much from myself and understanding that it is okay.

I think with the weight gain and not being able to find a job is really getting to me.
I’ve only gained about 3-4 pounds, but somehow, it’s stuck in my mind that I will never lose this weight again.
I’ve also only applied to a handful of places, but already let down.
i’ve only had 1 interview, I shouldn’t be this upset.
I think I’m mainly let down by the lack of job opportunities.
But I should be really be doing more job searching and applying.
It’s a combination of things, really.
Lack of jobs and lack of time.
I’ve just been going around meeting family and friends.
Enjoying myself really. I shouldn’t be attaching this to consequences.
Enjoying and treating myself shouldn’t be guilt.
Yes, I planned on applying to jobs while I was here, and I have done that. Not as much as I anticipated. But I also haven’t done a lot of things that I have planned. Such as more shopping, meeting people, exploring on my own.
And that is okay.
I will be okay.

I keep telling myself that I will be okay, and that it is okay.
But why do I still feel this way.
Whenever I feel this way, I crave the touch of another person.
So much love and support all around me, but why do I crave this contact?
Is there a root to this desire?
Am I just sex-crazed?
I don’t think I am.
Maybe it’s just the idea that it provides pleasure to other people that gets me aroused. And when I’m feeling helpless the only thought in me is to help.
And the easiest way to please and make others feel good is sex.
Least amount of effort on my part for maximum pleasure.
I have a problem.
More problems that I thought.
A problem with a deeper and stronger root than I had thought.
But I can’t seem to kill.
I know but can’t touch and only water.

What do I do.


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