12/365: Family

Family is a really strange thing, isn’t it?
We’re connected, literally, by blood, by DNA.
But yes, that’s not all the makes a family, but it’s a strange thing.
The moment we are born, we’re born into a family.
We don’t really choose, and they don’t really choose.

Sometimes we hate, sometimes we love.
I know it’s different for everyone, and that some people do actually despise their family. Their parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc.
But for me, I want to hate them.
So many family I want to dislike, but I can’t bring myself to.
I just break down instead.

I went to visit my grandma on my dad’s side. Some other family from my dad’s side also came for dinner.
We did have a nice dinner. The dinner table crowded with people each disliked.
But we stand our grounds.
My grandma that I so disliked through my words, but when I saw her, talked to her, it all melted away. Still aware of my feelings towards her, but not being able to bring myself to dislike her. Just understanding that we’re all in difficult situations, and hers isn’t a necessarily walk in the park either.

My dad. Cold feelings.
I want to love him so much. I want him to be an actual family, again. I want him to come home. I want him to be there, to make up for all the missed time.
What I want and need is a dad.
He’s not a good communicator, and maybe that’s where I get my trait from. But I’m trying, I realize and I try.
I just want him to try.
I want him to see things outside of his view, from someone else’s perspective.
I’ve tried to take his side, so many times.
I’ve fought on his behalf.
In hopes…
But nothing.
I still want to hate him so that I don’t have to feel this way. So that I can get rid of all my problems.
I blame him.
Still waiting.

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