13/365: Hopeless

I just want to do well.
My brother did well, and that set a high standard for me.
We are different people, but I can’t help but want to do better, or just as well.
To show that I, too, am capable for what he does, of what he has accomplished.
I want to show results, but nothing shows. Then I think, maybe my efforts aren’t good enough.
Maybe I’m not good enough.
A simple rejection leads to the questioning of myself, my identity, my worth, my value.
Is this normal?

I had a phone interview about a week ago, and I was supposed to hear back today. But nothing. I could give it another few days. Maybe give it the weekend and hope for something more on Monday. But I doubt it.
I just wanted it so bad that I think I blew it.
I probably did blow it.
I probably said something.
Something my fault.
Or just simply not good enough.
I wouldn’t hire me.
I wish I would though.

I just want to get my life together.
I want to find a job.
I want a boyfriend who has his life just as much together as mine. Someone who puts effort.
Someone who will treat me nice.
Someone who I want to be romantic with, get me excited.
Someone that I can get to know, and break down myself into pieces.
Someone that I can let myself known to without fear.
Someone to make me feel self.
Someone somewhere.

But I need a job first to help get the wheel moving.
Getting a job is just oiling the machine.
I can try as hard to get the other things.
Except without the oil in the engine, it won’t turn, it only sputters.
I’m a stalled car.
All the opportunities passing me by.
All the other things I want passing me by because my car won’t move and there’s only one thing that will make it move.
A job.

Getting this interview was like calling CAA and having them come to the car.
But once they got here, only to find out that they didn’t have any oil with them.
So close, but just not good enough.


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