Posted in Self-evaluation

14/365: Caged

What was I thinking?
What part of me thought that this would be fun?
I know myself a little better.
This isn’t the kind of vacation fit for me.

As you may know, I am in S. Korea visiting my family.
I have no friends here, which is equivalent to basically having no fun at all.
I think 2 weeks here would have been a good frame for me because I’m suffocating.
I can’t go anywhere, I can’t do anything.
I mean, I could, and I should, but if I get lost, there’s literally nothing I can do.
It’s the same if I were to go some place else, but something about having people who know the way and have access that I don’t that makes me feel like I have to be attached to them. That they now feel responsible for me. That all of a sudden it’s a stupid thing of me to do.
I think home is where it’s the most easy and comfortable.
Also, during other vacations, you are there to relax. You are there with some kind of an itinerary. For me? I’m here to meet family and spend time with them, but is that fun?
It’s only adding to my suffocation.
To add to that, I decided to browse tinder while I’m here. Bad idea.
Now I’m a flake to men that I don’t even know.
I just wanted the idea of being able to get away and talk to someone outside of family. I just want to rebel. To be free.
I’m a night girl. To eat, to see people, to drink, to touch.
And then this guy on tinder is so close and so nice to hook up with. It would be just the perfect rebellion, the perfect get away to release my energy. To recharge.
But bad idea. It’s now only adding to my suffocation because I feel like I’m out of options. I can’t meet him. I just wanted a one night stand.
If I was at home, this would be a no problem. I would just say that I’m going out to meet up with friends, karaoke maybe, who knows. Even a later dinner and drinks.
Or if I was with friends, I would tell them that I’m going out to meet a guy. I would at least like to think that I would be more open with them. I wouldn’t be as so much suffocated.
Maybe Tinder is just for hook ups.
I know that there are people on there for relationships, but maybe that’s all I’m looking for. I don’t really know.

All I know is that right now I feel tightness in my chest.
I can’t run.
If I was at home I would at least be able to take a stroll outside.
But no, it’s too dangerous. I’m treated as if the world is a big bad wolf and I a helpless victim.
I. Just. Need. Some. Air.
I also just want to lay on some grass and cry.
I don’t really know why, but I feel so upset with myself.
Maybe it’s just me that I need to revamp.
I shouldn’t have adventured into tinder here. It was dumb of me. What was I expecting?
I know what I was expecting. For some nice guy to take me out on a date. For me to be with someone else that isn’t family. For me to feel normal, at home. I’m desperate.

I want to go home.
I want my friends. I want to see my friends.
I want late nights.
I want my freedom, my agency.
That is what I value the most. Freedom.
Even in relationships, for my partner to give me my freedom and let me do what I want, or join me in adventures and encourage me. That’s what I want. That’s what I’m missing.

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Searching | Taurus | Food

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