Posted in Self-evaluation

15/365:One plus a million

Isn’t it such a strange thing? Or maybe it’s just me.
We say that we just want someone who will be nice to us and like us for who we are.
But between the lines all the other criteria are attached.
We don’t, or at least I don’t want to admit it, but it’s true.
It’s never just a “nice guy” because I’m sure there’s plenty of nice guys that will be nice guys if we gave them the chance, but we don’t. We’re too busy looking for the perfect man in the world of hook ups where pretty guys can get laid just like that.
But yet we still hope that there will be a pretty, nice guy who isn’t into the hook up culture, isn’t taken and will date us.

I’m guilty.
I say I just want someone who is nice, genuine, and likes me for who I am.
But really, I’m also looking for height, built, intelligence, manners, family relationships, appearance, style, job or financial security, car, drives, and the list goes on. But all I say when people ask me who I’m look for is “someone who is nice.”
Why is that? Why can’t I admit to it?
Because even I know that I’m sometimes being unreasonable.
I tell other people to give people a chance, that as long as they’re good to them that’s good. I’m not telling them to settle, but I’m telling them not to judge, while I sit on my ass here and do exactly as I tell others not to do.

I have a problem. I make a list of pros and cons. Feelings detached.
If there’s too many on the cons list I don’t even start on the pros.
My feelings is determined by my list. It’s like my brain turns the switch on in my heart. It’s just numb, or rather I numbed it. It felt too much and I hurt too much, and I don’t want that anymore. I want to be safe. Guarded.
I’m not quite sure when it started, but it’s been a downhill since then.
I want all that, but I’m not all that.
Heck, I’m not even fun or interesting enough for people to keep a conversation with.
And then I fear that I’m always going to be alone.
I need to let my heart be in the relationship. To be one, to sometimes take the lead. But I’m scared.
Scared to fall so I don’t jump.
I’m hopeless but I want to be a romantic.

Who would have thought that I would end up this way.
Not me.
Maybe I should just continue on with Tinder to talk to people and not expect much else.
At this point I’m considering okcupid too.
I just want to be happy.
I’m so happy with my friends, but I also want to share my joy with someone else too and have them share their joy and all other feelings with me.

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