Posted in Self-evaluation

17/365: Growing up

I don’t want to be baby-ed anymore.
I don’t want to be treated like a child.
I used to think that being baby-ed was a privilege, and in a way it still is.
But it’s not what I want.
It’s time for me to take a stand and say no to it.
I’ve been baby-ed for so long that I just go along with it when it happens.
I understand that it happens from mom, dad, and grandparents.
But when one person baby you, other people will also baby you see you as a child.
Then, a part of you wants to be baby-ed when you’re in tough situations.
It’s really no good, and I have to step out of it myself.

My mom baby-s me. She still see me a a small child.
But one small thing at a time, it needs to stop. I understand that she wants to look out for me, but she needs to understand that I can look out for myself, and let me look out for myself.
Not only is it kind of embarrassing and suffocating, it’s also hindering my growth and independence.
Because of this, she continues to say that she’s going to stay by my side forever, or at least until I’m married. That’s not what I want. I want my freedom in living.
In order for me to gain that agency and freedom, I need to show and indicate that I don’t need her doing everything for me or look out for me.
She needs to see that I’m at a age where I no longer need her, but only want her.
But at this stage, neither do I want or need her due to her attachment.
It holds me captive within the grasp of my mom.
When she sees me like this, it restricts me of my freedom and my agency, and from speaking out and speaking my mom.
It leads me to forever seek her approval, when what I actually need is just my own approval and my own happiness.
Growing up also means that looking out for your own happiness because other people aren’t going to do it for you, and you shouldn’t expect it.
In order for me to spread my wings, I need to slowly step away from the comfort zone, to reduce the shock of my growth, which can make it seem like an act of rebellion.

My grandmother baby-s me. Understandable because I guess she still sees the small child that I was.
Also understandable because she doesn’t see me very often.
Also highly understandable here now because it’s my first time visiting her in Korea in 11 years.
But this also keeps me holed up at home, or needing to be attached to someone whenever I leave the house. She thinks I’m going to get lost or kidnapped.
But the truth is I am capable, and I need to show that to her.
I guess she sees me as the small child that I was, because the last time I was here, I was a small child. She also hasn’t seen the side of me that roams the streets by herself here.
One step at a time.

When my parents and grandmother baby-s me in front of other relatives, it also encourages them to baby me and to see me as the small child they remember me as, and not as the young adult that I am, and still blooming.
It fogs them from seeing my growth, and seeing my independence and agency.
I want people to see me as the sophisticated young adult I have grown up to be.

I need to push myself.
I need to be uncomfortable.
I need to challenge and experience and explore.

I want to grow to my fullest without restrictions.
I want to grow by myself.
I want to see what I’m capable of.
I want to have fun without being apologetic.

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