19/365: Family

You can say your heart is made of stone, but I guarantee you that family will be the people that can put a crack in that stone.
You can keep people out and distance yourself, but something about being family changes things.
You can push them out as much as you want, but they’re always there.
You can hate them all you want, but you wish you didn’t.
You wish they were a little different so that you can like them better.
You replay scenarios in your head of how things could have been different.

Since being in S. Korea I’ve seen family I haven’t seen in a long, long time.
Mostly my dad’s side of the family.
Lots of miscommunications and no communications.
Hard feelings.
Detachment.
But it was still upon myself to visit them, especially my grandmother.
And of course, when I went to visit her, a few of my aunts and uncles joined as well. Haven’t seen them or talked to them in a while either.
It was strange.
But it was also refreshing and something just felt good.
They’re not the best people, and they’re all kind of strange.
But they’re family.
You really can’t hate blood easily.
You forgive.

Any who, I’ve lived the past 6 years kind of hating my grandmother on my dad’s side. Hated her because she blamed my mom for my dad leaving.

Backstory: my dad left about 6 years ago, on his own, by his own choice, to live in S. Korea by himself. He’s not the one to really take care of himself, so he sort of let himself go, which is difficult for his family to see, and the easiest person to blame is my mom.

I saw my grandmother and my heart broke.
I was prepared for this moment, but not really prepared.
She’s unwell. Her knee and back isn’t very good.
She has 3 sons and 3 daughters.
But her sons don’t really care for her.
She has 2 daughters that come by and visit one a week or every other week.
1 daughter takes care of her well, brings her food and stays with her for a while. This makes me a little bit relieve.

I saw her and my hatred just all melted away.
I wanted good things for her, do things for her.
Maybe it’s time and age, but compassion and empathy overfilled me.
I kept thinking, my god, what if I was in her situation.
What if that was me..?
We had supper together and exchanged some last words before I left.
My grandmother walked me out and I could have sworn that I could have been crying for the next 3 hours if my mom wasn’t with me.
I didn’t want my mom to see me cry.
I have their blood and maybe that affects me a little more.
But my mom dislikes my dad’s side of the family a little more.
A little family feud.
But I knew I had to be strong.

Family is a big deal.
Moments like this makes me realize that I do want a family of my own.
Not only for myself, but to continue on the family line.
I want my children to have families.
I want to give the gift and joy of family, because really, there’s nothing greater than that.

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