23/365: Beat

Slowly falling into a pit of darkness.
As if falling’s not enough,
instead of trying to find my way out, I’m busy beating myself down.

Reality hits and I understand.
Life is hard. It would have been harder.
I have a slight more leniency, or so I feel, in applying for jobs as opposed to other people.
Although others may have it easier, it’s easy to be unmotivated when you think of people that are better off than you, although inevitable.
I’m giving myself 3 months to find a job full time job.
Is that too much time? Is that not enough? Am I just putting myself through unnecessary pressure?

I’m lucky because I’m able to give myself that 3 months.
I have some money saved up that I can use.
I have parents that are able to support me, at least for the time being.
I have little financial responsibilities aside from my own credit card bill, and the phone bill that I pay for my mom and I.
But that’s about it.
I don’t have the pressure to pay for my insurance.
I don’t have the pressure to pay for gas.
I pay for my own public transportation, and my mom and I sometimes split the cost of gas, but nothing that’s pressured upon me.
I don’t pay rent, electricity or hydro.
I am comfortable.
Wanting this job in 3 months is my own greed, my own ambition.
But also the pressure that the later I get this full-time job, the process of me applying for grad school drags on.
Sometimes I think that maybe I should have applied to grad school that wouldn’t have asked me for 2 years of work post graduation. But it’s what I want.
It’s the place I want to go to.
It’s my dream.

But as of now, I’m beat.
My misconception of how life would be after school just crushes me.
I imagined myself out of school, applying to 10-15 jobs.
Hah, now I sit here thinking, I wish there were 10-15 jobs that was related to what I wanted to do and that I qualified for.
My only path to travel is to keep trying, but it’s so hard to not fall.

It’s like I’m walking a road of quicksand.
I’m sinking with no help, no way out. Or at least I think.
The more I panic the quicker I sink.
Unable to relax.
Always tense, sinking me in deeper into my own worries and troubles.

I need to remember that it’s not just hard for me, but for everyone else too.
But I keep thinking that if I had gone into a different profession that things would be a bit easier.
If I went into business, maybe I would have a job by now.
If I just studied harder in high school and got into nursing, maybe I would have a job by now.
If I was more active in my field, maybe I would have a job by now.
Maybe if I went to a different school, I would have a job by now.
Or at least a couple interviews lined up.
Maybe I would be happier.
Maybe I would be different.

This is the thing about me.
One small problem or worry turns into a reflection of my whole like as I examine every little aspect of my life that went wrong or could have been different.

This doesn’t help me.
Only feeds the seed of self doubt.
But I don’t know what to do about myself.
I just want things to work out.
I just want to be okay.
I just want to know that I will be okay.
I want to be okay.

Sometimes I think about seeing a therapist, but I can’t bring myself to do so.
First, money.
Second, I don’t think that I need help, or afraid that they won’t think that I need help and I’m just taking up time that could be more useful to someone else.

The most I can do for myself now is to just breathe.


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