29/365: Permanence

I was just lying in bed when I had a sudden thought.
An epiphany?

What am I searching for?
What am I so desperate to find?
Is this a temporary state of mind or is this a permanent longing until I find something?
Am I just thinking and feeling this way because I currently don’t have anything permanent?
Am I just longing for permanence?
A guarantee?
By acting on it, am I forcing it?
Does it show?

Currently unemployed.
Well, part-time, but basically unemployed because other workers took all my shifts but one while I was away on holiday.
Currently searching for a job, somewhat unsuccessful.
No guarantee that I will be returning to school for my masters.
Maybe I will go back to school for a certificate in gerontology?
Who knows.
Still need to get my G.
Am I going to stay in this city? In this town?
What’s going to happen to me?
Am I rushing?

Why the fuck am I on Tinder.
Why the fuck am I on Meetup.
I mean, nothing wrong with being on there, but are my intentions…shallow?
Is Tinder really the best place to find what I’m looking for?
I’m only 22 for heaven’s sake. I just turned 22 this year.
Why am I so desperate for everything to fall into place?
So much pressure because so many successful people around me.
So many happy and content people around me.

I just want to be happy and content.
I think that’s what I’m searching for. I think that’s why I’m so desperate.
I’m not happy, and I keep thinking that I will be when I have these things.

A full-time employment.
Friends who I can talk to day and night.
A boyfriend.
A future.
But is this all a facade?

I have my friends and I’m so grateful for them.
I did have a boyfriend, and I wasn’t happy so I left the relationship.
Thinking back, if I was still in that relationship, I would be even more miserable. So no, not just any boyfriend is going to satisfy.
I will have a full-time employment, I just have to be patient. I guess I just don’t have that. I feel like I don’t have leisure time.
Time is ticking whether I want it or not.
Time is passing whether I have my shit together or not.
It’s going. Always.
It’s nerve-wracking. Scary.
And I do have a future. I will go get my masters.
Yes, it will take another 3 years, maybe 4 before I can apply. But I will still have it before I hit the age of 30.
30 is a long way from now.
Another 8 years.
Masters is only 1 year, so as long as I get to apply within the next 5 years, I will be okay. I am going to be okay.
But the earlier the better, no?
Your brain works better. You can study better. You can memorize better. You learn better.
But my aunt was 30, or older, when she got her masters, right?
(Not 100% about this fact, will have to ask my mom)
I think I was in… 7th grade? about? when she graduated? and that was… 10 years or so ago? and my aunt’s 40 now. So yes, approximately when she was 30, give or take.

But I can’t help but worry.
I keep thinking, maybe I should just have applied somewhere where they didn’t ask for 2 years of full-time post graduation experience.
But all the places I want to go to is asking for it.
I also really want to go to BC for masters.
And you know what, I’m going to make it happen, I just need to give myself more time.
I just need to continue to use my brain to its full potential to not lose any brain juice, keep it flowing.
If I do that, whether I’m 25 or 35, it’s going to be okay.
I hope…

I’m doing the best I can do right now for what I have and where I am.
Initially wanted 2 years, but it’s okay.
A part-time + full-time for 2 years, I’m going to make it.
I can also apply before I get all my hours, ensure the school that I am still employed and working, and will have met the requirement by the time school starts.
They allow for course completion even after application, so why not for hours?

Relax.

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