31/365: Off

Today started off pretty well, actually.
The day in general was going well.
I woke up early, I read a little bit, had breakfast, went volunteering, shopped, ate, jogged.
Then something was off.

My aunt decided to sent me a kit for acne prone skin. The gesture is nice and I am grateful, but I’m also burdened by it and I hate that I’m burdened.

I hate that I’m burdened because I don’t want to be. I want to be grateful and send a thank you message and have a nice conversation.
But I feel like I can’t have a conversation with my aunts.
Maybe it’s because I see them as “adults”.
But I hate that I’m so distant from them. I only have 2 aunts and you would think that I’m close with them, but I’m not. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love them to death, I just wish I was closer with them and I don’t know how to spark the relationship with them.

Also hate the fact that I’m not close with my cousins. Or rather just one in particular.
She’s literally my only girl cousin.
I just keep wishing for this sister-like relationship, but I don’t know how to start it and I’m scared.

What if we’re too different?
What if she doesn’t feel the same?
What if I seem too immature?
What if I can’t be a good role model?

I hate that my own internal fear keep be from trying.
Fear of trying and fear of not knowing.


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