Posted in Self-evaluation

32/365: Be You, Unapologetically

The best you you can possibly be.
The best you you know yourself to be.
Because no one else does it better, don’t waste your potentials trying to be like someone else.
Don’t make your goal to be like someone.
It’s one thing to have role models and inspirations, but don’t be them, because them is not you.

Sometimes I catch myself trying to be someone else, trying to piece together pieces of everyone and trying to make that me. Like taking a piece of fabric from different materials and turning myself into a quilt. But where are you going to start piecing the pieces together when you don’t have a base to start with?
What is your base?
What is your starting piece.

There are so many great inspirational people around me, intelligent, kind, genuine and fit. Everyone with their best in their own thing, everyone doing the best they can. It’s so great to see. It makes me want to do my best too.
And I am, I am trying my best. Slowly trying to figure myself out one step at a time. Maybe I got a little bit of a late start, but it’s better late than never, and you can never stop growing.
That’s when you lose, when you stop.

But sometimes, I’m apologetic for who I am.

I’m sorry I’m not any smarter.
I’m sorry that I don’t seem like trying as hard as I should, and sometimes I admit, I can try a little bit harder, but other times I’m really giving it my all, exhausting myself.
I’m sorry that I’m not more athletic. I feel like I have potentially, but lost it.
I’m sorry I can’t be nicer. I try, I’m trying to be the nicest person I can be, and sometimes the salty side of me gets the better of me.
I’m sorry I’m not more successful.
I’m sorry I’m not a better niece, cousin, sister, daughter, granddaughter. I really want to be, and I’m trying.
I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. I don’t have that much connection and can’t help you network to find your dreams.
I’m sorry that sometimes I’m lazy.
I’m sorry I feel anxious.
I’m sorry I don’t speak more often.
I’m sorry I get into depressive moods and don’t want to talk to anyone.
I’m sorry that sometimes I get to caught up with myself.
I’m sorry I buy into capitalism.
I’m sorry I can’t be a good girlfriend.
I’m sorry I give up too easily sometimes.
I’m sorry I’m sometimes too picky.
I’m sorry I can’t make up my mind.
I’m sorry.

Always apologetic.
Sometimes I don’t know why I’m apologetic, I just am.
For my existence.
Some night I wonder if the world would be better without me, someone better to replace me.
Maybe everyone would like her better.
I can’t help but imagine the life where I’m not here.
I know that means my death, but I don’t fear death. I’m just waiting for it to come.
I wish I didn’t have these thoughts, but when you’re constantly apologetic for yourself, you can’t help but imagine some other girl in your place, someone that you imagined yourself to be.

How to be unapologetically me.
I don’t really know, and I’m still learning.
I am content with the person I came to be, I am happy with the people I have around me. I love my friends, they’re great and they accept me and I accept them.
But why can’t I accept myself?
Why is self-love so difficult.
But this lack of self-love also keeps me from connecting, always second guessing if they really like me, wondering what they like about me.

Wondering if I’m interesting enough.
Wondering if I’m nice enough.
Wondering if I’m deserving enough.
Wondering if I’m genuine enough.
Wondering if I’m thinking right.
Wondering if I’m dressed good enough.
Wondering if I’m being myself.
Wondering if I should be doing more.
Wondering if I’m talking enough, contributing enough to the friendship, relationships, to families.
Wondering if I enough to offer.
Wondering if I’m fit enough.
Wondering if I can be a good role model.
Wondering if…

I want to be someone they like instead of realizing that I need to be someone I like.
I need to be someone I like to express myself fully.
I need to be someone I like to connect with people.
I need to be someone I like to find someone good for me.
To be someone I like.
To be me. Unapologetically.
I’m sorry for me.
Sorry that I don’t know how to be me because my mind is too busy to be someone I need to be and wants to be everyone else.
It’s exhausting to be apologetic.
I wonder when I’m going to be able to stop this.
When am I going to have my tick, the tick that set me off into being unapologetically me.
The tick to move me forward and out of this mindset.
The tick to change me.
I keep waiting for the tick to happen, when the tick is waiting to be switched by me.
I know how things work, the books I read tells me how to be me and how to be.
I relay information to other people in hopes of helping them without helping me.

Is it too late?

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