Posted in Self-evaluation

35/365: Help

I’m happy but I can feel myself falling into a dump.
I can feel it coming on.
I’m anticipating it.
Is it kind of bad that I know it’s coming but I don’t do anything to stop it?
Well, more like I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t know what to do.
All I know is that it’s going to swallow me whole soon.

Sometimes it’s a tick that sends me off into a spiral.
Other times it’s a slow push, slowly spiralling, that eventually speeds up, with no brakes.

I just want to stay in bed all day.
I don’t want to think about anything.
I don’t want to do anything.
I have no energy.
I become dull, as if I’m not dull enough already.
I can see it in my face.
I can see it in my skin. My eyes.
Head spinning.

And then comes self-doubt.
Self-hate.
Indulgence.
Criticisms.

I wonder why people even stick around me, when literally my own self is dying to escape, to get away.
I’m not the person I say I am, the person I show myself as.
I feel like an imposter.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know what I like.

I get fidgety.
I don’t know what to do.
Who am I?
Who is the person I see in the mirror.
Who is the person I aspire to be?
I want to know who I am, but it seems impossible because just when I feel like I’m getting close, something happens and I lose it all.

I don’t even know why she invited me to the get together.
I don’t know why she likes me.
I feel like when people like me, I’m being an imposter. They like the imposter me.
It’s not really me, because I can’t fathom the thought that they like me for me.
So I feel like an imposter.
I feel like people aren’t supposed to like me.
I feel like my purpose in the world is to be in the background.
To be a doormat.
I put myself down, all the time.
So, how can I like myself when I do this to myself, mentally.

But it’s easier said than done.

So afraid of being noticed.
So much judgement.
From myself.
Then others.

No matter what I do, if I hate myself it’ll just be the same story.
Settling for less because I can’t see myself as more.
It’s all self-perception.
It doesn’t really matter what others say as long as you have confidence in yourself.
But how does one gain confidence?
In self-discovery?
I’m trying so hard not to be phased by the voices in my head.
But it’s my voice.
And if I can’t listen to my own voice, whose do I listen to?
They are my voices.
It should know me best.
But I get the feeling that it doesn’t.
There is a small voice of positivity in the back of my mind.
The small voice of positivity is like me in real world.
Always in the corner, unable to say, “hey notice me” because I’m scared to go against the majority.
The voice of positivity afraid to go against the loud voices of negativity.
Afraid of being told that it’s wrong.

It’s just a vicious cycle of me.
Just trying, and nothing else.

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