36/365: I need this

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
What is wrong with me.
I feel like my life is spinning out of my control, even when I try telling myself that it’s not, and that it’s okay.
I feel like I’m having a break down.
I don’t know what’s going on.

Major headache.
Tired eyes, despite the good rest.
Maybe I didn’t sleep well.
It’s as if I got wasted last night. I didn’t.
Body weak.
Emotionally unstable.
I want to run to someone.
I want to talk to someone.
I want to be with someone.
I want to let this all out.
I want to cry.
I want to break down.

I’m only working part time, and that’s totally fine.
I’m not making nearly enough, and that’s completely okay.
I have successfully graduated university, and my last 2 years have been nothing but wonderful.
I have so many wonderful people around me.
I’m looking for a job, I’m trying, and that’s all that matters.
I am having interviews, which is great.
I’m slowly trying to find my way.
It’s going to slowly come together.
I have all the patience in the world for the people so precious to me and to all the seniors that I interact with.
But why am I like this.

I know I am okay.
I’m supposed to be okay.

But why am I not?
It’s so upsetting because I’m supposed to be okay, but I’m not.
I think I’m okay, but my body doesn’t think so.
It’s frustrating when my body doesn’t want to keep up with me.

My head hurts, it aches for something I don’t know.
My body is weak despite my best efforts to fuel it with carbs and protein, and exercising more regularly.
My body just feels like it’s on an elevator, going up, up, up, and I’m expecting a fall.
Going up so high, the greater the fall is going to be.
My body it’s physically scared.
I’m scared to be on an elevator because it just exemplifies my feeling of being on a constant elevator.

You know how people say it feels as if they have a dark cloud looming over them, constantly?
I feel like there is an elevator that keeps me enclosed, all the time.
Ready to drop.
My heart thumps.
Exhausted from trying to keep calm from this feeling.
I feel like I’m losing balance.

I keep thinking, what if this next job I get isn’t relevant enough for me to use on my application for grad school?
What if it’s not accepted.
What if I need another work.
What if 3 months in I get a job that I’ve been wanting.
Was applying to OCSWSSW a waste of my time and money?
Am I doing okay?
Am I overwhelmed? Well, yes.
But am I overwhelming myself?
I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I just want some sense of guarantee that I’m going to be okay.
I mean, I’m sure I will be.
I could take a year off and take a trip around the world and still be okay.
I can afford to enjoy life, I will be okay.
But why am I not okay.
Am I going to have to live with this?

Every time I think of something, I can feel the tears coming and I just feel like crying all the time.
Is this the reality of my life?


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