37/365: Consumed

Gravity pulls me down to be grounded, but I’m on a steep hill and it just pushes me down. Not keeping grounded, but fallen.

My body isn’t handling life very well.
I show bright smiles.
I joke.
I console.
I support.
Just to hide the fact that I’m not okay.
And I know that some of my decisions I make in this state may be regrettable ones.
Driven by impulse, because I don’t know what other drive there is left in me.
Logic overridden by anxiety and depressive symptoms.
It consumes my mind, my body, my soul.
And all I can do is run.
Run to forget.

Last night was a reality hit.
Never have I ever felt like puking.
I wasn’t nauseous. I just wanted to throw up.
My mind spinning, unable to shut down, unable to think straight, unable to calm myself.
I keep telling myself that everything will be okay.
But something in me won’t listen. Something in me keeps telling me that nothing is okay. It tells me that I need to make choices now, and these choices are going to determine my whole life. It tells me that it’s now or never, and one wrong decision could derail me from my timeline. It tells me whatever decision I make is potentially a bad one.
And it’s not false.
I silently agree, unable to win against myself.

Stomach empty but not hungry. Can’t eat.
Don’t want to eat.
It’s not fulfilling.
I just want to lay still and not move.
I want to drift away.
I want to feel something.
I need to focus my attention on something else.
Anything that isn’t me.
I don’t want to take care of myself.
I don’t want to eat. I just want to run. Run forever.
I’m not a good runner. I run out of breath so easily, but it’s all I want to do.
My legs get weak from the lack of muscle and protein, but all I still want to do is run.
Run to feel anything else than what I’m feeling.
Run to inhibit the anxiety even for a split second.
Run to forget that I’m sad.

I sleep in.
I can’t get up.
I want to.
I’ve been doing well waking up early for the past week, but this weekend, it’s just been a torture.
I thought that I sleep well, but now I don’t think that’s true.
I think my sleep cycle is bothered.
As anxiety and depressive thoughts creep in.
As I struggle to stay at peace.
Even in my dreams, I’m running.
My mind pacing.
Not sleeping well.
If I could, I would sleep in until 3 in the afternoon.
I can’t even stay up late.
By 11, I’m tired, ready to sleep.
Ready to sleep but kept awake by feelings of anxiety until 1.
It just consumes me.
The best I can do is try to shut it out. Try to shut it out long enough that I fall asleep.

In the morning, my hunger is gone.
I don’t even want to eat. It usually is the driving force that gets me out and down to the kitchen.
Now, it’s not even a second thought.
There is no other thought than “God, I just want to sleep. Never wake up. Stay still. Forever. To be forgotten.”
But I eat, because I know I need to.
I have to.
So I eat, to shift away the worried gaze.
But I don’t think my body likes it.
It doesn’t want to digest and take in the nutrients.
My stomach hurts.
Nothing wants to stay inside me.
But without eating I can’t run.
I’m weak and I fall.
And I just want to cry because…
Just because.

I’m so numb inside. No attachment. No feelings.
Is this why I feel desperate to find someone?
To feel some kind of attachment. For some kind of a feeling?
So that I can share myself?
But I doubt it, knowing me, I’ll probably keep it to myself and then push them away.
Pretend that everything is okay.
Hurting myself is any way I possibly can.
I don’t want to, but it seems like it’s the only thing I’m capable of.

How do I feel better?
How do I make better choices?
How do I make myself feel that any choice is a good choice?
How do I rewire myself?

I have 2 interviews coming up this week.
One is over the phone, and the other one in person.
No saying that I will get either of theses jobs, but they both affect my life significantly.
But what if I get both? How do I choose?
I just want one.
I don’t want the choice. But I do.

Also then should I still be looking for the job that I want?
Or do I wait?
I want to have the job that I want.
But I don’t want to be flopping between jobs.
I just need to secure something before I begin my search for that job that’s going to keep me until grad school.
The one that’s going to prepare me for grad school.
The one that’s going to prepare me for the future job that I want.

Constantly feeling overwhelmed takes a lot out of you.
Somedays I can feel my insides breaking down, one muscle at a time and a part of me enjoys it.


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