38/365: All wrong

Yes, I have been feeling down lately.
Yes, I have had many urges to break down.
Yes, I have wanted to cry.
Yes, I have felt anxious.
Yes, I have been feeling sick to my stomach.
Yes, I have been losing sleep.
Yes, I have become obsessive.
Yes, I have been seeking validation from stranger in the wrong aspects.
Yes, I have wanted comfort.
Yes, I have been tempted to make reckless decisions.

But I still want that tattoo more than ever now.
I’m trying, trying not to be so beat down.
To not beat myself down.
It’s still so easy to slip into the darkness, always at my feel.
It has rained and I still have such a long way to go to reach a place where the dark clouds clear.
And it’s slippery from all the puddle.
A little bit icy because that weather’s been cold.
So easy to just curl up and give up.
Tired and worn.
So easy to fall with the lack of energy, balance, and strength.
But I will make it through, sooner better than later because I have to make it through someday.
Because I know it’s waiting for me to make it through.

I need to dedicate myself to routine.
I need to dedicate myself to things beyond me.
I need to invest myself in work that is going to help me grow.
I need to invest in people that will help me grow.
I need to invest in people.
I need to believe in people.
I need to believe in myself.

During my times of low I have been wanting to adopt a pet because I have read so many articles talking about how good it is to have a pet.
How pets help ease anxiety and depression.
How pets help in times of stress and uncertainty.
How pets are just so good for you, in providing companionship when you are feeling alone.
All the things I have been feeling and going through, and naturally, my brain connected the dots.
But it’s not really practical.
But when you feel the way I have been feeling and still struggling with, practicality is the last thing on your mind.
It’s like it almost doesn’t exist.
But I have come to my senses. It’s not practical.

So, my alternative is to grow a herb garden.
Gardening also has so many great benefits to one’s health.
For one, it’ll help me feel like I’m actually putting my time and effort into something that will turn into something, my desire to take care of something will be fulfilled.
Also, gardening is so beneficial for one’s mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.
I need some plants in my life.

Also, finding a job for me right now isn’t just about finding a job.
The later I find a job, my process of applying for grad school prolongs.
It just stretches, and I so want to get to grad school.
I want to fulfill my academic goals, and then set some more.
I want to move on with my goals and dreams, and not having a job isn’t just not having a job anymore.
It’s not just about being able to pay the bills and to support myself through my social needs. It’s a standing obstacle in reaching, in going where I want to go.
It’s the lump in my throat.
I know what it is, and you know what, it’s completely reasonable for me to feel super anxious. Super depressed. Super worn down. Super tired. Super unmotivated.
It’s okay.
I am okay.

But I had it all wrong.
I am going to get to where I want to go, where I am going.
Sometimes there needs to be construction done.
Maybe one day, these construction in my path will serve as a highway for my children, or for other people.
I just need to keep going at it.
I just can’t give up, it’s not an option and it never was.
I can either do this feeling anxious and depressed, or give it my best energy.
I need all the energy I can muster up.

But, hah, watch tomorrow me be all gloomy.
But you know what, it still feels nice to feel this way.
It’s been a nice break


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