40/365: Storm before the Hurricane

I’m not sure why I decided to write again after skipping out for the past 3 days.
I feel a mess.
I feel unbalanced and irresponsible.

Why did I apply for that job in Kenora, ON?
I don’t even really know.
But guess what, I got a call for an interview.
Who knows what will happen.
I am still going to take the interview as professionally as I can, and give it my best as I normally would, but I hope I don’t get this job.
Because what am I going to do when I do?
Moving is an option, yes. But I don’t think Kenora’s the right choice.
20 hour drive away from any city with a 15,000 population.

I’m attending interviews hoping to land something, but nothing.
I am giving my best, following the right road.
Taking it step by step but why I can’t I help but feel that something is coming.
I don’t know if it’s something good or bad, all I can feel is that something is coming.
A storm.
A hurricane.
Something that’s just going to flip my life upside down.
Or maybe I’m just putting this feeling on myself.

I realized that I’m a lot of which came first, the chicken or the egg.
With everything I do and think, it’s just that same situation.
Am I who I am and how I am genuine or heavily influenced by society that has shaped me into who I am today?
Am I feeling anxious and unable to be who I want to be out of fear, or is this all a working of my brain and I’m not actually anxious.
This situation in itself just makes me anxious.
But I guess it doesn’t matter.
I need to learn to move past this because it only keeps me back and clouds my thoughts.

I also worry too much.
I don’t want to but I can’t help it.
I also am not very good with people because I worry too much.
Professionally, yes, personally, no.
I worry too much about people not liking me, not being up to their expectation and standards.
I just want people to be happy with the time spent on me.
I feel like I’m a fraud, like I don’t deserve their time.
If I feel this way about myself, how can I expect others not to think of me this way?
All because of my stupid thoughts and feelings, I keep myself from talking to people. I keep communication very minimal. I want to talk to people, but most of the time I don’t know what to talk about.
I just want to hit them up and ask how they’re doing, ask about their day. But what if they think that it’s just small talk and boring?
What if they expect that I hit them up to tell them something that has happened but nothing really did.
I want to talk to people just because.
I want to tell them that I’m bored and being lazy.
I want to share my day and thoughts.
But instead I choose to worry instead and keep to myself.
I keep distance because I don’t want to risk having them find out that I’m not who they thought I was or I am to be.
I don’t want to disappoint.
How can I expect other people not to be disappointed when I am disappointed of myself for being this way.
Not ashamed of myself for who I am, ashamed that I don’t have the confidence to be myself and show who I am.
Ashamed because, even though I am proud of who I am and aspiring to be, I can’t seem to seem proud and confident of myself in front of other people.

I just want people to see.
I want to be myself, unapologetically.
I want people to know that I am one hell of a person.
I want people to see me and think, “wow she radiates with confidence”
I don’t want to be the best, nor do I try to be.
Just the best version of myself that I can be.
I don’t try to be more fit than the next girl, I don’t try to outsmart, I don’t compete myself with other people because we are all different.
I just want to be confident in who I am and I want others to see that I am proud of me.
I want to inspire other people to not compete and to be proud and have confidence because that’s when people are the most attractive.
But to have confidence is to have trust and belief in yourself.
Love yourself.
It’s tough, but I truly believe it’s what we all need to strive towards.
Often when we aren’t happy, we are comparing.
But we need to know and understand that we are all different with different skills and abilities.
The point is to use those to live the life in the world we want.
And if you’re not happy, you find ways to change it.
Everything takes time and effort, but to be happy you have to invest in yourself.
When you compare, you’re investing yourself in other people, hoping to be them, but that will never happen and happy won’t just find itself into your life.
You find happiness and you hold onto it with all you’ve got.

Find you.
Find happiness.


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