Posted in Self-evaluation

44/365: Searching

Analyzing my behaviours
Analyzing my mentality
Analyzing myself.

Conclusion: destructive.

I’m tearing myself down, from the core.

Loss of appetite that affects my mental stability and energy.
Drained.
Wanting to sleep around even though I know it won’t be good for me nor something I would want.
But I want it.
The desire to attract the attention of the opposite gender.
As a means of approval and acceptance because I can’t provide it for myself.
Not getting too close to anyone or letting anyone too close to me for the fear of letting myself be.
Keeping silent.
Nothing to contribute.
Boring.
Plain.

I want to stay holed up at home.
No desire to go outside.
No desire to talk to people.
I just want to sit here.
I want to read, but I can’t.
My mind won’t let me.
It just wants to shut down and be numb.

In my mind I’m a genuinely happy person, not the person I am right now.
In my mind I’m active and athletic, always doing something.
In my mind I’m intelligent, smart, productive.
In my mind I am accepted and loved by myself.
I strive to be this person, but I feel like a fraud.
My mind keeps telling me that’s I’m not wired this way.
To stop faking it because everyone can tell.

I want to feel useful and there’s only one quick fix for this.
Be submissive, be passive.
It’ll help me feel good for a second and then guilt and regret will set in for the next few days.
Then repeat.
Risking many days of lows for a few minutes of highs because I crave it so much.
Unable to be my own muse and high.

I can’t and I don’t
Want to
I’m giving myself in.
Drowning in my own pain and sorrows.

Why me.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
yes, and no.
But mostly no.
I just keeps you barely breathing.

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Author:

Searching | Taurus | Food

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