44/365: Searching

Analyzing my behaviours
Analyzing my mentality
Analyzing myself.

Conclusion: destructive.

I’m tearing myself down, from the core.

Loss of appetite that affects my mental stability and energy.
Wanting to sleep around even though I know it won’t be good for me nor something I would want.
But I want it.
The desire to attract the attention of the opposite gender.
As a means of approval and acceptance because I can’t provide it for myself.
Not getting too close to anyone or letting anyone too close to me for the fear of letting myself be.
Keeping silent.
Nothing to contribute.

I want to stay holed up at home.
No desire to go outside.
No desire to talk to people.
I just want to sit here.
I want to read, but I can’t.
My mind won’t let me.
It just wants to shut down and be numb.

In my mind I’m a genuinely happy person, not the person I am right now.
In my mind I’m active and athletic, always doing something.
In my mind I’m intelligent, smart, productive.
In my mind I am accepted and loved by myself.
I strive to be this person, but I feel like a fraud.
My mind keeps telling me that’s I’m not wired this way.
To stop faking it because everyone can tell.

I want to feel useful and there’s only one quick fix for this.
Be submissive, be passive.
It’ll help me feel good for a second and then guilt and regret will set in for the next few days.
Then repeat.
Risking many days of lows for a few minutes of highs because I crave it so much.
Unable to be my own muse and high.

I can’t and I don’t
Want to
I’m giving myself in.
Drowning in my own pain and sorrows.

Why me.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
yes, and no.
But mostly no.
I just keeps you barely breathing.


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