Posted in Self-evaluation

46/365: Scratched

This society doesn’t help people.
It enables people to cultivate hurt.
We hurt and society capitalizes on it.
We hurt and society exploits it.
We hurt and we think that we are okay.
It is not okay to hurt.

Media uses depression and anxiety, and turns it into “cute.”
If you know anything about depression and anxiety, it is anything but cute and desirable.
Suddenly when you have depression and anxiety, we are made to think that there will be a prince charming or a picture perfect girl that comes to our rescue.
That’s so far from the truth, so twisted.

You feel alone.
Isolate.
You don’t fit in.
You feel undeserving.
You fall into bad habits, anything that will help you to fit in or accepted.
Any false sense of security.
You push people away, never mind good looking people that media wants you to believe.
They’re the worst.
You feel like they have an ulterior motive.
They make you feel more insecure than ever.
But for a moment you believe.
Then you realize, and it all falls to shit, but worse than how it was before.

Never mind anxiety.
Anxiety is a constant struggle and a weight on your shoulder.
You never feel “okay”
Everything just makes you feel anxious.
You over think.
You never stop thinking.
You over analyze.
You try to be okay, and in the process just numb yourself.
Inside you are screaming that you’re not okay, but you can’t help but smile to keep the wary eyes away.
Never good enough.

Eating disorder?
Not cute. Not pleasant.
A prisoner of your own mind.
You can’t break free.
You taunt yourself with food.
You want to feel hungry but never eat.
You need to feel hungry to make sure that you are suppressing it.
It takes over you.
You plan your food around when you’re going to be around the most amount of people, because if you’re going to eat something, you want it to be in front of as many people as possible.
You mask your hunger with excuses.
Always tired.
No energy, even though you beg to do something, anything.
Relationships fall apart.
You’re moody.

Everything combined you fall into bad habits.
You drink too much. It gives you a high you can’t get.
You have meaningless sex. It makes you feel like you’re wanted. For what reasons, it doesn’t matter. In that moment, you’re wanted, desirable. Things you never see yourself to be, so you give yourself up.
You spread yourself thin. Doing this and that for everyone and anyone. Willing to go any distance to feel like you’re being useful and helpful. It’s the least you can do, even though you are doing more than you should. Never feels like enough.
Saying no is out of the question. No means rejecting possible chances of feeling a part of something, a chance you feel will never come again. A no just feels like it’s the end of the world.
You don’t dare ask anyone for anything. Because it’s just too much. They might not want you around any more.
You don’t dare relax. Always keeping in shape. Not letting loose. Always needing to work out. Always needing to do something. Be active. Walk more. Do more. Can’t relax until you have done a workout, short, long, doesn’t matter. Burn the extra calorie.
Eat less. As long as you have the energy to smile and keep up right, that’s enough food.
Have new things, nice things. Never enough. Need to have nice things because you need something to show off. You need to show that you are worthy, through materials.
You listen to everyone’s issues, stories, dilemmas, problems, but never share yours. You listen because you need to. You need to be attentive. You need to be helpful. Be the shoulder to cry on, but never show your own emotions about what you’re going through. Can’t burden other people. They might think you’re excessive.
You keep quiet. Don’t say anything. Be nice. Be a good girl. Be passive.

It’s exhausting, really.
Sleep too much. Sleep too little.
Keep up a routine.
Pretend.
Don’t let anyone know.
They’ll just laugh at you.
It’s too late now, they’ll think it’s a lie.
You’ve been keeping it up for too long.
You’ve been quiet for too long.
No one will understand.

Scratched up inside.
Keeping a nice outside.

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Searching | Taurus | Food

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