Posted in Self-evaluation

48/365: Once

I feel okay today.
I feel like things are going to get better.
Things are going to be okay.
I’m going to be okay, and so are you.

One of those rare days where I am okay with where I stand.
I know this isn’t going to last long, so I’m going to enjoy it the best I can.
I’m tired and my eyes are burning but it doesn’t matter.
Days like this I have a even stronger feeling that I have a BPD due to such a drastic change in my outlook and attitude.
I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be and things are going to work out.
I am where I am right now because I have to be here for me to get to where I am going.
I have hope.
I am nervous.
Anxious.
But those feelings have subsided as they are blanketed by feelings of gratitude.
This one goes out to my family.

Thank you for making me feel like I belong and that I deserve to be here.
You are the main reason I am still here.
You are the reason that I don’t give into my suicidal ideations.
You are the support behind my work and strength.

Thanks to my mom for giving me my best chances.
You’re always up in my business and always want to be around even though I want my privacy and independence.
You are stubborn and don’t listen to other people.
I’m also stubborn. Stubborn enough to get through to you.
I just want you to understand.
And as much as I may seem ungrateful, I am. I am forever grateful and forever love you.
As much as I talk back and give attitude, it’s because I’m frustrated.
I’m frustrated because even though I know you need help with certain things, I wish that you knew.
I wish that you were capable so that other people can’t walk over you.
I just want to make you stronger, grow a thicker skin to all the unpleasant people in this world.
Frustrated because I want you to teach me and not the other way around.
But I guess we’ve reached a point where you are running out of things to teach me, and for me to teach you as I go about this world and learn more thing.
For me to share.

Thank you to my brother who has always been here.
Your anger issues are no excusable.
But I still love you.
I have tried so hard and so long to hate you.
To not like you.
To not forgive you.
But for some reason I can’t.
Thank you for your endless support.
Thank you for making fun of me and giving me shit.
Somehow it has helped me to accept myself and grow a thick skin.
Somehow I know that things are going to be okay with you by my side.
I know you’ll be there, and I’ll forever be here for you.

For dad.
Thank you for making me feel so important.
Thank you for helping me see that I am capable of so much more than I believe I can do.
Thank you for your support.
I give you so much shit yet you just respond with love.
I am here because of you.
I am here thanks to you.
I blame you for my bother’s anger issues. I blame you for a lot of things.
But I still love you and want you close by.
I know things aren’t easy for you either, and it kills me inside knowing all the hardships you put yourself through, because you don’t have to.
But you choose to.
Because you’re stubborn.
But whatever happens, I will always want you to be a part of my life and I will be here or there, wherever you need me.

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