Start Fresh, no apologies

I made it a solid 48 days of daily–almost daily–blogging.
But I think it’s too much, especially coming from my place of rarely blogging.
I don’t think blogging every day was a little too ambitious for me to re-start my blogging.

So, I’m going to blog as frequently as I can.
I’m going to blog whenever I have something on my mind and I can find the time.
It’s an outlet, not a chore.

So here I start anew without apologies.
I’m not apologizing for not being able to go through with my original idea because I’m doing something good for me.
This whole blogging was supposed to be good for me, an outlet for me to de-stress from my day. At first it was okay, but then it got too be too much and served as a guilty conscious for not being able to do so.
I’m taking things at my own pace.
A pace which my mind and body and soul can agree with.

So here is my first one.

I’m feeling down in the dumps, and yes I mention that almost every blog.
It’s like my blogs are never filled with happy things. Well, because I’m not at a happy place. I am on my journey, and it’s hard.
This journey is hard and I just want to give up and nap on the side of the dirt road for the next decade. But I can’t.

I also feel like I’m stretching out myself long and far.
I listen to everyone’s problems, well those that have problems and are close to me. But I rarely talk about my own problems. I feel like my problems get pushed aside and I’m not assertive enough for my problems to be heard or they’re not extending the willingness to listen to my problems. Also the fact that I don’t want to be a burden so I down play my problems. I feel like they won’t like me if I start sharing my problems, even though they do the same and I still like them. But also, if we don’t talk about their problems, what else are we talking about? What else is there to talk about? My problems? No way Jose.

But sometimes I get tired, and I get tired of being pushed around.
I feel like by creating a such an open space for other people to be their true selves without being apologetic, I’m constantly allowing myself to be pushed.
They’re my friends, and I should be allowed to speak up. But I don’t want to cause a strain.
I’m waiting for me to break, but I’m afraid that it will ever happen because I’m too conscious.
Should I be bothered, or no?
I don’t really know.
I can’t express any of this feeling to other people because the times that I have mentioned the slightest thing about it, it’s always the same response of “oh, you’ll get over it” or “you just need to do something” or the classic “at least…”
Yet, when they express their problems it’s the end of the world.

I have a friend, who is nice and understanding, and I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to share the dilemmas and let herself be. But sometimes I feel like that is not in consideration of me.
Also me never willing to express the severity of my inner problem, she brushes it off and there’s nothing to talk about.

I also know how downing it can be to discuss your problems with other people.
Because they do that with me, and I don’t want to place other people in that situation.
I am all for other people discussing their problems, because I know I can handle it and I can mean well through my responses.
But I’m afraid that other people won’t have the same response and talk about me behind my back.
Not like me.
Brush it off.
Be irritated.
Not like spending time with me.

My goal has become to please everyone.
I am a people pleaser.
I am trying not to be so.
I know this issue comes from a place of internalized emotional damage.
Some memories.
Some repressed emotions, feelings, thoughts.

I don’t want to go see a therapist.
So I turn to self help books, online resources and information, and blogging.

It’s keeping me at bay, which is good.
Just wondering how long this is going to last.


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